A week of hell

Every mother out there knows how miserable the last month of pregnancy is. Now being it was my fourth and last I made a point to not whine about it. I tried to enjoy every kick, push, and roll that kept me awake at night, not being able to move, and going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, but in the end I knew it was all worth it...another beautiful addition to our family. I love my children. They are my life and have made me who I am today.

This pregnancy like the other 3 was great. Very uneventful and I looked like I was carrying twins, so we all just assumed everything would end up the same way...a big healthy baby sometime between Christmas and New Years. It kills me now to think that I really wanted another daughter and had no problems saying it, a healthy baby first, but I really wanted to "even" our teams. My daughter Taylor is 5, Landon is 3, and Luke turned 2 in Jan., so yes my hands are full. My boys had really taken their toll on me the last couple of months and all I wanted was a little girl that would sit there and color and be able to wear Taylor's adorable baby clothes...which as I write that seems so odd to me because Taylor was just as active as my boys if not more and needs constant attention, so why I would think having a girl would change that, I have no idea.

Anyway, my pregnancy was progressing as normal and we were excited because we got an ultrasound at 36 weeks to check on size and this baby was actually cooperating and not getting too big. Now my other 3 babies were very large and I did not have gestational diabetes with any of them. Taylor was 9lbs 3 oz, Landon was 9lbs 13 oz at 39weeks, and Luke was a whopping 10lbs 11 oz., so obviously they wanted to be on the safe side.

We did not know what we were having and although I still feel that is the most fun way to have a baby I regret not finding out at 20 weeks which I will go into further later on. At 36 weeks the baby was measuring a week ahead which wasn't uncommon in my situation and the heart beat was strong. We have some wonderful 4D pictures and little did I know that would be the last time we would see him alive. After the ultrasound I was ecstatic to know that I was already starting to dilate and I was at 2 cm...again something that had never happened in my previous pregnancies. I would show up to the hospital in labor and my contractions would be on top of each other, but it would take some time for the rest of my body to get on the same page. The Dr. said things were going great and based on what she saw this would probably be a very quick labor since the babies head was very low...we were very excited.

Fast forward to my week of hell. My poor husband was working a ton trying to get everything ready at work because the holidays were coming up and then the baby would be here and he wanted to help out at home as much as he could. My kids were getting into the Christmas spirit 2 weeks early and were driving me crazy. I couldn't move and Luke and Landon were really taking advantage of it...throw in a sick crabby 5 year old who was missing all the Christmas festivities at school and the perfect storm was being created. I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my 37 week check. I was very irritable from lack of sleep due to pregnant and sick daughter and was very much looking forward to finding out how things were progressing. My husband had a work party down in Ft. Lauderdale on Saturday and was being guilted very badly by his boss about not going. I was pulling in the other direction because I was afraid if I went into labor I would be on my own and he would miss it. Add hormones and tiredness and it wasn't a pretty picture. So, my dr. listens to the heart beat and everything was good. He checks me and makes a comment about the baby "floating above my pelvis" and that I am not dilated. Now I get pissed, because last week I was dilated to 2 and baby's head was low and now this doctor is telling me baby is nowhere close to being engaged and I am maybe 1. He even went as far as to say that the Midwife I saw the week previously was exaggerating to make me feel better...I felt like smacking him because I am a 4th time mom not a first...i know that I could be 4 cm dilated and not go into labor...there is no reason for her to tell me she is touching the babies head and I am 2 cm if I am not. It immediately ruined my day...which is weird because I remember being beyond disappointed. I was actually angry. As I look back at things I really think that was the first warning sign that something was wrong...another O.B. that I saw at the hospital agreed with me. So not getting the answer I wanted I knew John was going to have to go out of town which also did not make me happy.

Wednesday December 13th is the determining factor in all of this. I made a decision that may or may not have affected our outcome with Logan. My husband was taking his co-workers and a client to the Lightning/Thrashers hockey game. I have missed out on over a year of client outings, dinners, yachts, you name it because I haven't had a sitter. Lucky for us my parents are snowbirding now and live 1h 45min south of us 7 months out of the year. We worked it out with my mom that she would watch the kids so I could have my last time of freedom before being tied down with a newborn. Now being a stay at home mom I am constantly chasing after my kids, but in between disasters i made a point to lay down even just for 5 minutes just to give my body a break. The last 2 weeks I have never been upright on my feet for more than a few hours at a time depending on what I was doing.

So, we went out to dinner and walked to St. Pete Times Forum and sat through a game plus overtime and then the drive home...i was probably vertical for 9 straight hours. The doctors and my husband tell me I am crazy and this did not play into it, but I can't help but wonder. During the hockey game something very strange happened and this was the true sign something was wrong and Logan was in distress. He was overly active...i mean kicking me in the ribs and the side like he used to do months earlier. John and I joked that we had a little hockey player on our hands and that he loved being at the game...little did I know he was in trouble.

The next morning I woke up to Taylor having a ridiculously high temperature again after a few days of antibiotics and the next hours involved getting her chest x-rays and blood drawn...things that a 5 year old does not enjoy doing. Her white count was a little low and of course I started to worry. I have a very good friend of mine who's son is battling Leukemia right now as I write this and a lot of what Taylor had going on his son did prior to his diagnosis, so instantly I began to panic. Never once did I stop to do a kick count to see if the baby was okay. Things during pregnancy I just took for granted because things like that don't happen to me. I do remember him having a long episode of the hiccups Thursday ( which I have also found out is warning sign of a cord complication...something they never tell you at the doctor's office because they don't want a bunch of paranoid mom's calling every time their baby gets the hiccups), but I can honestly say I don't remember feeling any significant movements after that. I was focusing on my sick child, but the guilt I have for not focusing on the one I was carrying will forever haunt me. The days following Thursday are a blur. I remember driving to have lunch with John on Friday and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I haven't felt the baby today...i went to the bathroom felt a little roll and felt relieved. I even texted my friend Debbie and asked about lack of movement because she went through that with her first and she told me to call the doctor and I didn't and that will forever haunt me as well. I always listen to her, why didn't I that day??? I ate a bag of m&m's and drank hot chocolate and still didn't feel much...i know that is a warning sign something is wrong...why didn't I call??? I can honestly look back and say I must have known something was wrong and didn't want to face it. I then found out my husband was still going to Ft. Lauderdale and I started crying at the restaurant. That isn't like me...pregnancy hormones and all I have no idea why I was so upset about him going. He goes on business trips all the time when I am pregnant. He was going to be gone for only 24 hours, but I cried about him leaving for the next 2 days. I even begged him not to go. The last thing I said to him before he left was you can't leave...if you leave I know something bad is going to happen. Why would I say that??? I felt so terrible that I put him in that situation and then for him to come home and for me to go to the hospital by myself and for them to not be able to find the heartbeat...it was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.