Being Stuck

I hate where I am right now. It has been 9 weeks and I feel like I am just here. I hate that I fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, that I can run 7 miles at a pretty decent pace, and drink what I want this soon after giving birth. It is just a constant reminder that things aren't the way they are supposed to be. I even struggled to enjoy the beach with my family on Sunday, because something so big is missing in my life and I can't do anything to fix it.

When your baby dies you want to do something in their honor...anything to keep their memory alive. I know a few people that had premature babies and they are able to work with the March of Dimes, but when your baby dies of an umbilical cord accident there is nothing, nothing because it is an accident and it can't be prevented.

There have been a few groups that deal with the grieving end of stillbirth, but I am tired of grief and sadness. My husband mentioned getting involved in a charity that helps families who are struggling financially to pay for a funeral/burial for their baby/child. Billy Donovan, the Gators Basketball Coach who lost a daughter to a cord accident, is involved in this in Gainesville and I am hoping John and I will be able to contribute as well.

You won't BELIEVE how expensive it is to bury a baby, not a toddler or child, but a baby. They even give an infant discount which cuts the price by almost 60% when you bury them in a baby part of a cemetery in a 26 or 31 inch casket and in a 36 inch grave, but it still is outrageous. I have read about families that have had to cremate their little ones, because they can't afford a funeral/burial, even though they didn't want to.

There are 3 little graves in front of Logan that don't have a headstone. Just some flowers or a little toy left to mark their child's final resting place. That is not right. If the law says you are responsible for your babies remains after 20 weeks, then they should have something in place to help these families. Every family deserves to have their child acknowledged after death. I told John if we had enough money I would offer to help buy one for them. It always makes me so sad when I go to visit Logan, because I don't know what their names are or even if they are a boy or a girl. I take solace in knowing who his neighbors are as weird as that sounds.  .

So I guess I have entered another stage and I don't like it. I am struggling to enjoy the things around me and it may be because I have nothing to focus my energy on. I hope I get creative pretty soon and figure something out to keep me busy, because right now I do not feel like I have bettered (don't know if that is a word) myself like I promised I would do after losing Logan.  I guess some things are easier said then done.