Caught off Guard

It is so frustrating. I have been pretty good lately and then WHAM, it hits me! I really wish I could have just worn a shirt that says I LOST THE BABY, SO DON'T ASK 2 months ago when it happened. This way I wouldn't have to go through that conversation over and over again with people I really don't know.

This time it was a father at the bus stop. How he possibly couldn't know since everyone else on the street knows is beyond me. So the usual, "How is the baby doing?" and my reply of "I lost him at 38 weeks to a cord accident" and the look of horror and sadness on his face. Now, believe it or not I used to feel so bad for people when they asked. A couple of women actually would start crying and I would find myself trying to console them. I know that it would ruin the rest of their day...talk about putting your foot in your mouth. Well, I am proud to say that feeling is gone. If you are going to ask, then be prepared for the answer from me or any other mother who is no longer pregnant.

I have to admit the part that really gets me is the follow up question of "so how are you doing?" People really don't want to hear the truth. My baby died, how do you think I am doing. I know it is something to break the uncomfortable silence that follows. So, I put on the fake smile I have perfected in the last 8 weeks and say I am doing "better" or "okay". No mother who loses a child or a baby is ever okay. I will say "better" is a truth, but "okay" is a word we use to make you, the person asking, feel better.

I do know I have at least 2 mothers left to go at gymnastics who have not asked about the baby and probably want to every time they see me. Part of me wants to go up to them and just tell them to spare the "look" i will have to endure from them, but I am not that courageous yet. For now I will keep listening to my ipod when at Taylor's practice and ignore their looks, and hope that the fact I never have the baby with me will tell them that something isn't right. Unfortunately, I don't think I will get that lucky and once again will be caught completely off guard.