I think the scariest thing for a parent is not knowing where your kids are at any given moment. I felt that way on my daughter's first day of Kindergarten. In Preschool and PreK you physically walk your child into the classroom to be dropped off and then pick them up and drive them home. On the first day of school you normally drive them to school take them into their room and say goodbye and then they take the bus home, not my daughter. She wanted to ride the bus that morning with all of the other kids. Now part of me was proud of her and happy at the fact that I wasn't going to have to drive her to school for the next 6 weeks while she decided if she was scared of the bus or not, but the mother in me was scared to death because I was depending on a perfect stranger to get my daughter to the school and then she was going to have to find her classroom all by herself.
Now school's in florida are very very different then in Michigan. The schools actually have campuses, even the elementary. There are separate buildings for each grade with covered sidewalks that connect them and there are over 1,000 students in her school (K-5). It is very strange to see 18 5 year olds walking outside from 1 building to the cafeteria (which is in another building) all by themselves. After teaching for 7 years in a high school in Michigan I had a hard enough time getting the same number of 15 year olds back into my classroom after a fire drill that initially left. Always seemed someone was trying to make an early exit or a quick 7-eleven run.
So to not have that direct contact with my child the first day was surprisingly hard. I had that same feeling when I had to let the nurse take Logan.It was weird because for the last 9 months I always knew where he was, crammed over on my right side kicking me in my ribs. Even when I knew he had passed away he was still there...i could physically touch his heels through my stomach. Then once I gave him to the nurse I just felt lost. I was scared. I didn't know where he was. They told me I could see him whenever I wanted, but I really just wanted my last memory of him in the hospital to be when I had him and he was still warm.
We kind of rushed picking out the cemetery because both of us just wanted him out of the hospital and at the funeral home so we could get the service done before Christmas. Looking back I do wish we would have picked one closer to our house, but it is close to John's work, so he is able to get out there at lunch if he would like to and the drive really isn't all that bad (30 minutes) for me.
After we got the pictures the hospital took I was scared to death because it really did not look like Logan. We arranged to spend 30 minutes with him and then have a small service, but I didn't know if I could spend that much time. I really just wanted it to be over with. John and I were the only one's there, our choice, and getting up enough nerve to walk into that funeral home was the hardest thing I have ever done. It made it real and I had to say goodbye to someone I didn't want to. I wanted my son with me at home, not here. I hated not being in control of this situation and the outcome, but once we walked in and I saw him laying there so peaceful and he looked just like I remembered I felt a little bit of peace. Even the little bit of makeup they had on him did not bother me...i was looking at my son who was wrapped so beautifully in a blanket that both of our boys came home from the hospital in. He really looked like he was sleeping. Taylor had made him a beautiful card, john and I both wrote him letters, I found an amazing poem, and the boys added a hotwheel car and a small star wars skateboard. I let the kids choose what they wanted to give their brother and each thing they chose fit them perfectly. I really felt every part of our family was included with Logan.
The poor funeral director came in 3 times because we needed to get to the gravesite, but I could tell he didn't have enough nerve to tell us we had to leave. Finally John and I realized we had to leave and that was the second hardest thing I had to do that day.
Logan was buried on a cool Thursday morning on Dec. 23. It was blue sky and a few scattering of clouds and an absolutely beautiful day, maybe a little cold for Florida standards , but I felt it was perfect. Our priest was amazing and if his church wasn't 45 minutes away I would have been there for Christmas mass. He was from Ireland and kept it short and sweet and was very genuine. He didn't pretend to understand because he didn't have any children, obviously, and therefore he has never had to say goodbye to one. We watched them put him in his special spot and for the first time I felt okay because I knew where he was and where he would always be.
I make at least 1 trip a week to see him and bring fresh flowers. It is amazing the sense of peace I get when I am there. I can cry or talk to him and not care. When I leave I feel refreshed. Just like I do after a long run. He is in a special part of the cemetery called babyland where it is only babies. It is amazing to see that some of the babies around him passed in the 1980's and there are flowers still placed on their graves. It is also sad to know that there are so many parents out there going through what we are.
As I was walking through Target today looking for valentine cards for the kids, I also found myself looking forward to going to see Logan and giving him his valentines day present. Never in a million years did I ever expect to be visiting my child in a cemetery weekly or on holidays. It is part of my new "normal" and it sucks, but it has also allowed me to feel a sense of peace that I didn't know was out there until I did.
0 comments:
Post a Comment