My definition of fear or being scared has forever changed and for the first time I truly know the difference between the two. I am still scared of sharks, terrified actually of being attacked, which is why I will never be able to do a Triathalon down here, but being afraid of the what if's is my current issue.
More than anything I am hung up on the fact that I could have gotten Logan here safely. My doctor's without being brutally honest have pretty much told me that that would not have happened. They have pretty much hinted that by the time the mother realizes something is wrong the damage has been done and even if caught with a faint heart beat the lasting affects are devestating...brain damage, cerebral palsy, etc. Pretty much not a shot of a normal life. So I find myself asking myself did the Lord do me a favor by not putting John and I in that situation. By making the decision for us. It pains me to think that I have put the "it could always be worse" tag on this event in my life, but maybe that is just human nature and my way of coping, which I am not proud of.
There are poor parents out there who have had to decide on whether or not to keep their newborn on life support after a cord accident, I couldn't imagine...I would die. I am terrible at making decisions,which my husband would gladly verify, and something like that I think would have completely broken me. I can't decide on dinner half the time, how could I choose life or death. Those parents have the true strength. I only have to deal with the loss not create it.
Now that is only 1 example of the many sad thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis. This is what I struggle with. I miss the old me. I miss being carefree and enjoying my kids. I miss being able to go to the grocery store, the gym, being outside of my house without the fear of someone asking me if I have had my baby. I have accepted the fact that my innocence in life is gone, but in time I am hoping it will return.
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