I feel like I use that a lot. I feel we have a sense of "innocence" that we are born with in different aspects of our life. It can involve personal relationships, health, or just life in general. I also think that our innocence is stripped away as the years pass in small pieces through different experiences and we really don't realize it until we have a major event happen that exposes us completely.
This is something I have been trying to figure out and has probably angered me the most about this whole situation. I understand that God does not make things happen, but that he allows things to happen which was explained to us very well by our amazing social worker Sister Odette. It is also the first thing that I found myself questioning. What could I have possibly done in my life to piss God off so badly that my innocent child had to pay the price? Now almost 8 weeks out I can admit it sounds ridiculous, but when you are trying so hard to find an answer to something like this that makes an ounce of sense, that I think naturally you go there. There is no rhyme or reason and it is my job to become a better person because of it.
Now religion in my life has been scattered. I was raised Baptist (not crazy baptist like I have come across down here living in the south ( sorry if I offend anyone)) and went to church while I was little and then sports pretty much became my religion. There really wasn't a weekend available from the time I was 9 years old that wasn't spent on a soccer field, basketball court, or softball diamond in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Canada, or Michigan. I did decide to go to a Catholic High School, which was for sports I have to admit, but I did get a crash course in Catholicism along the way, and being married to a Conservative Catholic it is the religion we have decided to raise our children with.
Now enter a 5 year old with a thousand questions. Why did this happen? How did it happen? Where is he? How do you die? Am I going to die? Are you and daddy going to die? MeMe and PaPa are older, are they going to die soon? Why is he an angel? Why couldn't it be a girl angel because we have too many boys in our family (actually kind of laughed at this one because she desperately wanted a sister and she was dead serious about being mad that it was a boy angel and not a girl angel)? They gave us pamphlets on how to explain death to children without bringing religion into it but explaining it correctly using religion was very important to John. Now I know my daughter still doesn't understand the whole God thing completely which is our fault, so trying to explain a million new things and trying to convince her that Logan's heart and soul is in a wonderful place with mommy and daddy's grandparents and mommy's good friend Walt is protecting him, while his body is in the ground was very difficult. Kids can't separate the two and they shouldn't have to. My poor 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about not dying and being put into the ground, but just focus on enjoying her life and everything living.
Now enter my poor 3 year old son Landon that will probably require counseling later in life because he thinks we actually misplaced his new baby brother. It probably took about 3 weeks of reiterating over and over again that Logan died and that he wasn't lost for him to by in to it. I think the pictures around the house have helped and I also bought white bracelets (like the Livestrong bracelets) that say brother of angel, sister of angel, etc. that my kids wear proudly and share with others. I guess all we can do while they are this young is make them feel special for having a brother as an angel, because thankfully we do not know anyone who has also gone through this.
I did hear from a mother who's son died the same way Logan did 10 years ago and her other son who is now 13 has been deeply affected by it. He is now able to express his grief and loss of not knowing and growing up with his brother.
I have accepted that every birthday when we have a party for Logan and release balloons, or on Christmas when we hang up his stocking, I am going to have this conversation with my kids. It saddens me deeply, but it is part of that innocence lost that my family and I will have to live the rest of our lives without.
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