A list

If I could do one thing for the hospital I was at, it would be to create a list of everything a mother dealing with a stillbirth should know. During pregnancy they have a list for everything, what you need during pregnancy, what you need before delivery, what you need during delivery, what you need after delivery, what the baby needs after delivery, what you need during the first week, etc. , but nowhere is the list for what you need when the baby dies or what you should do. As I have frequented many different dedication websites/blogs, online support groups I have come across many mom's I feel did it right. In many cases it is because they knew their baby was sick with a condition/syndrome that would prevent life after birth and that stillbirth was their only choice. These women had brought clothes to change their babies into, taken pictures, had family there, etc. Something I was not prepared for and I regret it.

As I was getting ready to push they asked me if I wanted him laid on my chest like they did with my other kids and told me he could stay with me the whole time I was in the hospital if I wanted...which totally caught me off guard because my first thought was you are going to leave my dead baby with me for 24 hours...that can't be good for him or me. I am not a pathologist, but even though babies are like 75% water, common sense tells me that once he hits the air changes are bound to happen over time and I didn't want to witness that. I just said we'll see, because I didn't know what to expect and I just wanted to push and get this damn thing over with. Once I saw him I immediately said yes...he looked so normal. It still doesn't make sense to me, how does this happen? John's first response was what do we do? Do we take a picture? No one answered. Not the doctor, not the nurses. It was just quiet and there is nothing worse than an uncomfortable silence. I am so mad I told him no. Why wouldn't I want him to take a picture? If you didn't know my story and I showed you a picture you would have seen tears streaming down my face, which isn't uncommon after a delivery, and a healthy 7 1/2 lb baby boy. You would have never known that he was already in heaven.

So to make matters worse I didn't have anything to put him in. They put him in a beautiful white gown, but boys don't wear dresses. He should have been wearing his coming home outfit that of course hadn't been bought yet because I didn't know what i was having and wasn't due for another 2 weeks and besides, that had always been John's job after the baby was born. So, no picture after birth ( mistake #1), no clothes (mistake #2), didn't get to put a diaper on him (mistake #3), not calling Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep(NILDS) (mistake #4), not letting my children and family come up to see him ( mistake #5). #3 wasn't entirely my fault because I was having trouble stopping bleeding and they wouldn't let me up and I spent almost 4 hours in recovery because of this, but I would do anything to have put his only diaper on him. Mistake #4, NILDS, is a wonderful foundation that has photographers that come to the hospital and take pictures of your little one with you or for you. My hospital did provide a photography service the next day, so we never called. I was very disappointed with the photos they took because it didn't look like my son and I felt they could have done a better job. I haven't looked at the pictures since we received them because i think it would be too painful. I did get a wonderful photo of him at the funeral home (that totally looked like Logan when he was born) and that is what is framed around my house.

Once I figure out how to post pics on this thing I will add it. I think not being able to share my photo of Logan has been one of the toughest things because you don't know how people will take it. I want nothing more to show him off. He is mine and he is beautiful, but people don't want to talk about a dead baby let alone look at one...well that is my thinking anyway which could be completely wrong.

Recovery for me was short and I was home before noon the next day. I was lucky enough to deliver in a giant hospital, probably similar to Royal Oak Beaumont, so I was put on the Gyn/OB floor not the mother and baby floor. I didn't have to worry about listening to babies cry, a lactation consultant accidently coming into my room, or the social security lady. Instead I had more blood drawn (seriously it was ridiculous), a chaplain, social services, and to listen to my husband try to find a funeral home/cemetery in a huge city where we have lived a year that could do the service asap because Christmas was in 5 days...pure misery!!!!