Layton's Birth Story

I am actually going to attempt to write this since I keep putting it off, but considering the level of exhaustion I have reached lately I can't guarantee it will make a whole lot of sense.  I actually got a small nap in this morning and Luke and Layton are sleeping, so I actually may have 20 minutes until I have to feed and change my sweet boy.

As I sit here at the computer 8 days removed I can honestly say the stress and worry that has been inhabiting my mind and body for the last 13 months has slowly dissipated.  I still feel a little here and there, but for the most part I feel the most relaxed/peaceful I have felt in what seems like years (which is funny considering I have 4 kids in my house under the age of 6 and there is no such thing as peace and quiet). I know I wrote about how nervous I was, but I don't think words could accurately describe what I was feeling.  I was struggling to eat, sleep or do anything that would be classified as productive that last week.  All I kept doing was poking my belly or drinking really cold water...anything to get him to move to reassure my mind that he was alive and going to make it to induction day.  I also was having a little maternal guilt because of taking him so early. My doctor even suggested giving him another week to see if he would drop on his own.  Part of me really wanted to take that approach, but like my husband said is 6 days really going to make that much of a difference when our goal is ALIVE, not 39 weeks 1 day??  The reality is i don't go early anyway.  My babies like to cook right up to due date +2 and we weren't going to give him that amount of time anyway.  The reality was outside of me was safer in our minds than inside where nothing could be controlled and things "just happen".  So, that was our reasoning with sticking with the 38 week 1 day induction and going to the hospital Sunday night to start this process.

Sunday night we got to the hospital around 8, but didn't get admitted until 8:30.  The Cervidil got inserted at 9:15 and then the waiting game began....

I was having intermittent contractions on my own all evening, but Layton was being his typical pain in the ass when it came to monitoring and literally was "running" away from the monitor.  I chose to not take a benadryl to help with sleep (biggest mistake), so I laid there all night listening to his heartbeat and waiting for the nurse to come back in every 45 minutes or so to reposition the heart rate monitor.  This went on to about 4 in the morning while my husband literally snored in the cot next to me. I finally fell asleep and was awoken abruptly to massive contractions around 5:00.  They literally came out of nowhere and I felt it all in my back...CRAP!!! I have done this before with my first son and it is pure misery!!!! I also knew that it meant he was "sunny side up" or face up and that labor was going to be a bitch unless he decided to turn on his own.

My contractions went from nothing to every 2 minutes and I was extremely uncomfortable.  The good thing about this meant that the Cervidil did its job and I wasn't going to require pitocin...the little victories.  My doctor came in a little before 9 and I was finally dilated to 3 and he had dropped enough to where they felt comfortable enough to break my water, so that is what we did.

Every contraction remained in my back, but Layton did so well.  They were afraid I was going to dilate too fast and that is where the whole cord prolapse can occur because he was still sitting right at my pelvis, so they were keeping constant watch on the monitor as was I.  God Bless his little soul because for the remainder of the labor his heart rate stayed consistently at 145-150.  It never dipped when the contractions were very intense and it didn't slow when they gave me the epidural.  He just kept chugging along probably sleeping throughout the whole ordeal.

At 5 cm my doctor suggested I get the epidural soon because she thought things were going to pick up fast, so I did.  Epidurals are my least favorite part of the whole thing.  Pushing is never enjoyable, but I have this fear of them paralyzing me. Why? I have no idea it just scares the crap out me knowing they are sticking a needle/catheter so close to my spinal cord. Luckily, it went smoothly and I welcomed the relief.  I fell asleep for about 20 minutes which was glorious, but then I was awaken by having the same horrible pressure/pain in my back.  My husband was on a work call, so after a few expletives I am sure from me, he went and got my nurse.

Down here (florida) they give you a wonderful button that you can push every 20 minutes to give yourself a bolus (extra pain meds).  When I delivered in Michigan a couple of years back I would have to call the nurse, who would have to call the anesthesiologist, who would then have to make the decision on whether or not I could have one...total crap!!!  So I kept yelling at my husband to find the damn button because my epi wasn't working, but he couldn't find it. My doctor came in and then informed me that they never actually hooked me up to the epidural pump.  The catheter was in, but they actually never connected the medication...idiots!!!  The anesthesiologist nurse came in and actually laughed about forgetting to do it...I  didn't find it a little bit funny whatsoever.

John went out to get me some ice chips when my doctor came in to check me again.  Good news is I had gone to 8 and baby was making his way down...bad news was she had to go do a c-section so I had another doctor on standby in case this boy wanted to show up before she got back.  Well, in typical fashion she walked out the door and my other doctor decided to go across the street to get his scrubs on and Layton decided he wanted to show up.  I still wonder why my doctor would leave a woman who had delivered 4 previous babies when she was so far along, but in actuality that is what this whole pregnancy was, nothing but unexpected twists and turns.

I held off as long as I could, but I reached the point where I couldn't hold off pushing anymore and I told the nurse I didn't give a crap who caught this baby, but he was coming now.  So they literally pulled in the first doctor they see in the hall and she was dressed to do anything but deliver a baby.  She was telling me all about her brand new shoes and that she didn't want to get them messy so she wasn't going to break down the table...it was a circus to say the least.  Thankfully I only pushed once with her and then my doctor came running in.  I had a few words for him while I was pushing. Thankfully, I only had to push through 2 more contractions (i believe 4 minutes of pushing) and he was here.  It was the most overwhelming feeling I have ever felt.  To see him moving and crying instantly...almost like he knew that was what I needed to actually believe he was alive.  As my husband was cutting the cord he grabbed onto the scissors and wouldn't let go. It was hilarious to see 2 grown men and a nurse wrestling to get his little fingers off of it...for me it was proof that he made it out safe and sound.

His apgar's were 9 and 10 and he weighed 8lbs 6 oz and was 20.5 inches long...pretty good size for a 38 weeker.  The only hiccup we had was his blood sugar.  It was a little lower than they wanted to see (anything below 40 is considered low) so they had to take him right to the nursery.  This was borderline devastating for me.  To once again be put in a room with no baby next to me was tough, but he was in the nursery right down the hall so John checked on him to make sure all was good.  A bottle of formula and a blood test 30 minutes later he was back with us and I never let him leave the remainder of the time unless it was mandatory for circumcision, hearing test, or the pediatrician.

The first day/night I just stared at him and watched him move.  He is amazing and I am so grateful that everything went the way it was supposed to this time.  I have to admit it has raised some confusion on my part and trying to once again understand how something could go so wrong with Logan.  It just doesn't make any sense.  I also am thrown off a little bit by how much he DOESN'T look like Logan. He looks identical to Luke where Logan was Landon's mini me.  It seems like the majority of BLM's rainbow babies all seemed to look a lot like their angels or comments have been made about how much they resemble their sibling in heaven...I haven't figured out if this is a good or a bad thing yet.

I also know there is a melt down waiting to happen.  I am too tired to allow my mind to go there, but someday soon all the set aside frustration and sadness is going to come out.  I am just praying that it comes out a little at a time because between nursing, changing diapers, and taking care of my 3 other kids I don't have much time in my schedule to work in a long period of crying.

I love this little guy so much it is immeasurable.  I truly believe once you experience the loss of a baby it is impossible to take the little things for granted.  As tired as I am, I know I would have done anything to be in the same spot a year ago.  To wake to Logan's demands for food or just to be held is something that  I would have given anything to experience, but now that this little guy is here I find myself taking a step back and enjoying all that Logan's little brother, Layton, has to offer.

What hope looks like to me <3