Nervous and Fading Fast

In 12 hours I will be in the hospital and being monitored non-stop...that is what is getting me through today.  Knowing that if something should go wrong there will be a nurse or doctor in my room within seconds.  My doctor also told me to be prepared to get 1st class treatment.  She said anyone who has had a full term loss is monitored extra closely at all times, which I will gladly accept with open arms.

I also have noticed my nerves have really kicked in (how this could get worse is beyond me).  I am very nervous to walk into the same hospital, sign in at the same guard station, and go back into the same L&D where I was 13 months ago, on another Sunday no less.  I am really hoping I don't have a panic attack on the way there and that John will be okay as well.

We went out to dinner last night for our "last meal" and we started talking about how things are going to go.  All he kept saying was, "I just want to fast forward to Tuesday. I am so scared this time around and I just want it to go perfectly and be over fast."  I couldn't agree more with his line of thinking, but at the same time it was just sad to know that the "innocence" that I and other BLM's talk about has again been removed from another aspect of our lives.  Layton's birth is not filled with joyful anticipation and excitement, but desperate fear that something will go terribly wrong and another son will be taken away from us.  I realize these are completely normal feelings after what we went through with Logan, but it still breaks my heart that he is being deprived of that deserving joy as he begins his journey into our arms.

Another problem I realized last night when talking to my hubby is certain parts of my labor with Logan are starting to fade and that infuriates me.  I can remember everything from all my other children's labors and I notice blank areas now when I try to recall specific occurrences during his 8 hour labor.  I am hoping it is just because I am trying to prepare myself for Layton's upcoming labor/delivery and not because my memory is trying to rewrite over the painful memories of losing Logan.

 I also find myself reaching desperately for those connections with Logan lately and it is not as easy as it used to be.  I know time tends to do this, but I was hoping that it would be significantly longer than just 13 months.  Don't get me wrong...there are certain parts that will never fade, but I really enjoyed having everything front and center at all times.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for being so supportive through out this entire pregnancy and especially the last couple of weeks.  Pregnancy after loss is such a roller coaster ride without all the added issues that this pregnancy presented in the first couple of months.  I think back to that point, and I swear I never thought i would reach this point.  Now that I am here I am just trying to remember to relax and breath.  I have to remain positive that I will hear my son crying at some point tomorrow and that everything will go as planned.

I am also hoping my sweet angel above will keep an eye on his brother and help get him here safely.  There are a lot of people waiting to see if Layton's arrival will be the hope my family and most importantly my children have been searching for since last December.  Another chapter is about to begin in my life and I am praying it begins with a smile and ends with a screaming baby boy!!!