The Feeling

I hate it!!! I have felt it too many times in the last 16 months and it keeps popping up.  Pure fear of the unknown...that empty sick stomach feeling that catches your breath instantly and ends in a whole bunch of tears. I felt it when I hadn't felt Logan move for a day. I felt it when I found out I had an SCH when I was 9 weeks pregnant with Layton, again when his 20 week ultrasound was a complete nightmare and we found out he had an extremely high risk for Down Syndrome,and became magnified the days leading up to my amnio results. Just recently it has popped up again when my great friend from college's son had a relapse of his leukemia, and when I read a fellow BLM lost her beautiful rainbow daughter.

As I have written, my older kids have been very sick with pneumonia over the last month.  Unfortunately, my 4 year old's fever still hasn't completely subsided and it is going on almost 3 weeks.  My doctor is completely confused because his labs and chest xray show nothing (enter sick feeling and frustration).We are now venturing into areas that no parent wants to enter...the "C" word. He is getting an ultrasound on his belly to look for any masses (i feel like throwing up as I type it) and we are doing some more labs to make sure his sedimentary (inflammation) level is continuing to decline.  I am scared to death. I don't deal with the "unknown" well and I am so scared what the tests are going to show.  I am exhausted...tired of bad news, tired of unnecessary loss,tired of sick kids, tired of doctor offices and just for once want nothing but good news and smiles.  

I know parenthood is full of ups and downs, but I don't understand why it can't be spread out over 40 years.  This condensed version is a bunch of B.S.