I am lucky to report that I do not have strep again, but have a virus which is why I feel like crap. To add to that pile of crap was my actual experience at the friendly urgent care up the road. The whole way to the doctor I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for what I was going to say. I knew I had to mention the loss of my son because unfortunately, I have pretty much been under the weather since that point. Of course in my life these days nothing, and I mean nothing, goes as planned.
To make a long story short, I sign in and give them my insurance card like I always do. For some reason my birthday isn't matching up with what they have in their computer...like I said previously, that damn black cloud again!!!
So, not even thinking I say, "I just had a baby 2 months ago, so I know it is correct"...then you can guess it. Oh congrats!!!! What did you have??? What is his name??? I didn't know what to do. I actually froze and just stood there and answered her questions. After her telling me about her 4 month old, I didn't have the heart to tell her he had passed. Finally they get everything worked out and I go back into the room.
In comes the nurse and takes all my vitals, complaints, etc. and then comes a question I really wasn't prepared for, but should have been because they ask every girl/woman over the age of 15, "when was your last menstrual period?" Again, I freeze and tell her I haven't had one because I had a baby 10 weeks ago...which follows with a huge CONGRATULATIONS, which I respond with a thank you and that smile I have perfected over the last 2 months.
At this point I just want to run to my car and cry because now the doctor is coming in and I am going to actually tell him the truth. Now, when you lose a baby or have a fetal demise in my case, my medical record is pretty much tagged or alerted so everyone knows and I don't get put into this situation (You should see the sad looks I get when I am checking out of my O.B. office), but since this urgent care had trouble getting my medical file/insurance information (it is in the same network where I delivered Logan), I was pretty much flying solo. I must admit I really didn't like this doctor, because as soon as I told him I lost my son he really could have cared less about what I was dealing with and was immediately focused on Logan and how it happened. He did everything your not supposed to do, he tried to reason why it happened and make me feel better. You can't make someone feel better in this situation. It is best to just say I am sorry, give them a hug if you know them well enough (I have to admit I have had very random people giving me hugs these last 2 1/2 months), and then let it go.
I willed it away as long as I could, and after I started to tear up he finally got a clue and let it go. I couldn't have gotten out of there any quicker. Of course the last thing I hear as I leave the building is, "congrats again on your little one".
I had a very blurry drive home as I wiped away my tears and realized again for the one millionth time how much my life sucks without my little boy...
2 comments:
Went to the doctor yesterday and as my primary care doc (who didn't know though should since I have the same red flag notice in the computer) was just starting to smile, I couldn't even talk. Just burst out crying right in front of her. Brilliant. Loads of fun, huh? But at the OB, I am treated like royalty/the plague. They smile ever-so-carefully as they bring me back immediately since all this happened.
My O.B. was the same way and it actually pissed me off the second time it happend because I waited in the room for like 45 minutes. Back then (like it was so long go) that was way too much time in a quiet little room to try and turn your brain off. I was a mess by the time my O.B. came into the room.
I had to go in because of a cyst 2 weeks ago and I switched to a different office, but same doctors. I found it to be much easier to go into the office because the women behind the desk didn't treat me any differently until I checked out and then of course when I had a question about reimbursement of insurance, the hush hush pointing started...don't want any pregnant women in the office to hear the word stillbirth...sometimes i think that is the problem...the unspoken truth. Stillbirth is real and it happens more than the doctors want us to know!
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