I have decided to get involved in a project created by Angie on her Still Life with Circles blog. She has started a mass project for all blogging BLM's called Right Where I am . This projects allows us to say exactly where we are on this forced path we now have to take for the rest of our lives.
5 Months 2 Weeks and 4 Days...unbelievable!!!! I really can't believe this whole nightmare started that long ago, but at the same time in the grand scheme of life it is such a short time span. As I sit here I honestly don't know exactly where I am. The ache I have for my son is agonizing and occurs a couple of times a day or pretty much when I have 2 seconds to myself. Considering I am home with my 4 year old and 2 year old sons there are not many of those breaks, and that I am actually thankful for.
These are a few of the things that I am certain about right this minute, but as I have learned about this roller coaster of a ride they could change tomorrow.
So as of 5 Months 2 Weeks 4 Days and 15 hours I am:
Realizing that for the first time since Logan's passing that the 19th (6 month angelversary) is going to fall on a Sunday, which is the day I found out he no longer had a heartbeat and the day I got to meet and hold my sweet angel. This is resulting in a mini breakdown of course as I type this.
I find myself not as angry these days...at least not everyday. We have had some exciting and strange things happening in our house lately that has helped me come to terms with what has happened. I find that I don't blame myself as much, but I still have at least 2 nights a week where I wake up in the middle of the night because I am dreaming that I actually called the doctor right away and made it to the hospital in time. Of course there never is an ending...even my subconscious knows that nothing good could of came out of my situation.
I do tend to Logan's garden daily which in this Florida heat has its good and bad days. I think this is another form of therapy to me. I see so many of my flowers growing and thriving and it makes me happy.
I went for a run yesterday and a baby downy woodpecker (remember from my Easter post :)) seemed to be following me for a little bit. I actually get excited when little things like that happen...it amazes me how much my life has changed and how I really do appreciate the little things in life.
I have learned from Logan to love harder and deeper. I hug and kiss my kids so much they run from me sometimes when they see me coming. Thankfully my 2 year old is always open for lots and lots of mommy time. Without them I don't see how I would of came out of this tragedy. I fear the person I would have been. Although I have changed drastically, my kids have been the common denominator that has saved a lot of the old Darcey. We really relied on the kids to keep us up and functioning. I sometimes wonder if they felt that. If they felt the need to keep mommy from crying all the time. If so, I hate that I put that burden on them. A few days after Logan passed my sweet 5 year old daughter Taylor picked out the most amazing figurine below :)
Anyone who doesn't think kids understand are completely wrong. They are so compassionate and caring at such a young age.
I think all and all it is easier for me to smile and laugh with my children, family, and friends. I can now talk freely about Logan and even include some humor in conversations (even if it is a defense mechanism). I have realized that everything doesn't have to be so serious all the time and most importantly that I would be doing Logan a disservice if I didn't keep living my life to the best of my ability.
I still have 3 other children that I am responsible in turning into healthy, happy, educated, productive adults. The loss of Logan does become a little less consuming as the months go by, but when I am by myself it becomes who I am . I am outliving 1 of my children and that is not how nature is supposed to work. I hope as Logan looks down on us he is proud to have us as a family and me as a mother.
I miss and Love you my sweet boy!!!
5 Months 2 Weeks and 4 Days...unbelievable!!!! I really can't believe this whole nightmare started that long ago, but at the same time in the grand scheme of life it is such a short time span. As I sit here I honestly don't know exactly where I am. The ache I have for my son is agonizing and occurs a couple of times a day or pretty much when I have 2 seconds to myself. Considering I am home with my 4 year old and 2 year old sons there are not many of those breaks, and that I am actually thankful for.
These are a few of the things that I am certain about right this minute, but as I have learned about this roller coaster of a ride they could change tomorrow.
So as of 5 Months 2 Weeks 4 Days and 15 hours I am:
Realizing that for the first time since Logan's passing that the 19th (6 month angelversary) is going to fall on a Sunday, which is the day I found out he no longer had a heartbeat and the day I got to meet and hold my sweet angel. This is resulting in a mini breakdown of course as I type this.
I find myself not as angry these days...at least not everyday. We have had some exciting and strange things happening in our house lately that has helped me come to terms with what has happened. I find that I don't blame myself as much, but I still have at least 2 nights a week where I wake up in the middle of the night because I am dreaming that I actually called the doctor right away and made it to the hospital in time. Of course there never is an ending...even my subconscious knows that nothing good could of came out of my situation.
I do tend to Logan's garden daily which in this Florida heat has its good and bad days. I think this is another form of therapy to me. I see so many of my flowers growing and thriving and it makes me happy.
I went for a run yesterday and a baby downy woodpecker (remember from my Easter post :)) seemed to be following me for a little bit. I actually get excited when little things like that happen...it amazes me how much my life has changed and how I really do appreciate the little things in life.
Anyone who doesn't think kids understand are completely wrong. They are so compassionate and caring at such a young age.
I think all and all it is easier for me to smile and laugh with my children, family, and friends. I can now talk freely about Logan and even include some humor in conversations (even if it is a defense mechanism). I have realized that everything doesn't have to be so serious all the time and most importantly that I would be doing Logan a disservice if I didn't keep living my life to the best of my ability.
I still have 3 other children that I am responsible in turning into healthy, happy, educated, productive adults. The loss of Logan does become a little less consuming as the months go by, but when I am by myself it becomes who I am . I am outliving 1 of my children and that is not how nature is supposed to work. I hope as Logan looks down on us he is proud to have us as a family and me as a mother.
I miss and Love you my sweet boy!!!
5 comments:
The longest and shortest 5 Months 2 Weeks 4 Days and 15 hours. That is how I felt at every anniversary and time marker--like it has been so long and also so very quick. Thank you for sharing right where you are. It is eloquent and honest. Thank you. xo
I'm sure he is VERY proud of his family, and especially his mother. :))
So many newly grieving mamas taking part in this project. It is truly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry about your precious Logan.
xo
I am so sorry about your beautiful Logan. Those monthly anniversaries are just hard, and the ones where the days sync like that always knocked me for a loop (still do, sometimes, but not as often). Sending love to you.
I'm so sorry about Logan - it isn't right to outlive one of our children, is it? I'm so, so proud of my two older children too and have worried, as you have, about putting the burden of my healing on them. But, actually, they never had to *do* anything - their existence in my life was enough to help me keep going. And I am amazed at the people they are growing into - so precious.
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