I have gone back and forth and back and forth and well you guessed it, back and forth a few hundred times in the last few weeks of when and how I was going to do this post. I am superstitious and have been my whole life, which i blame on sports, and I have been so afraid to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it. So here it goes....We are expecting our rainbow :-) Logan will be a big brother come the end of January.
The reason I struggled with putting it out there is it is still early, I am only 7.5 weeks, and I am technically not into the "safe" zone yet. Unfortunately, once you have a full term loss that "safe" zone of after 13 weeks is a load of crap. There is no lessen risk for me until I am holding my baby in my arms and they are breathing, crying, opening their eyes, and holding my finger with their little hand (gives me the shivers just thinking about it). I know for a fact that if this pregnancy does not work out, that it would be another bump in this damn road I am on, and I would write about it. This little one deserves a happy post while I know everything is looking good. Hopefully there will be 8 months + more of these to follow.
Now to the brutal reality of this pregnancy...I am not supposed to be pregnant and this child unfortunately is not supposed to be here. I feel blessed, more than happy, and have wanted nothing more in the last 6 months than to reach this point, but the reality is losing Logan is the only reason this little person is going to exist. For a mother that is a tough pill to swallow and I think the only term to describe this pregnancy is BITTERSWEET!!!
I found out I was pregnant over Memorial day weekend and it was like a huge weight taken off my shoulders when I saw that faint line. TTC sucks!!! I know it is supposed to be such a wonderful time, but it is not. Not after such a monumental loss. It actually became a stressful time because I was so obsessed with it and would be so frustrated when the last few months went by and no luck. I swear I was actually hallucinating lines and spent a small fortune on hpt's. There is no such thing as waiting until you missed your period to test when you want to know so bad if it worked this month.Whoever thought it would be so hard to get pregnant. John and I would literally just have to stand in the same room and i would end up pregnant (that was the joke anyway amongst family and friends). This time it was a little different, but in the end everything has worked out and now I am mess, but for a different reason.
I had my first appt. on Tuesday, and like I thought I ovulated late so I am 2 days behind my original due date of Feb.5 per LMP. Good news is since my doctor wants to get this baby out ASAP and a previous cord accident is not a sufficient reason to the hospital (damn protocol) to take the baby out before 39 weeks (unless some distress is noticed in the last month) he is not touching my due date. We will be inducing at 39 weeks, which technically will be 38 weeks and a few days (they don't do inductions on sunday so that would push me back a few days to thursday or friday, haha take that hospital protocol!!!)
My O.B. is wonderful and I can't believe I was thinking about switching just to get a new experience because that of course would guarantee a different outcome...right?!? Well, I am glad the common sense side of me kicked in because I can't explain to you the amount of compassion everyone in the office is showing me...then again having Fetal Demise stamped and highlighted all over your chart may have something to do with that, but I will take all that I can get.
At first I was slightly pissed because they weren't going to consider me high risk and then a friend of mine made a very smart comment on how she would rather be a high priority in a regular o.b. office than a low priority in a high risk office...makes more than enough sense to me, so that is what we are sticking with and my doctor lived up to it.
He also shared some information with me that he hadn't previously about Logan's death. He said he classified it as an acute cord accident. There were no markings around his neck to signify that he had been tangled up for a long time and it most likely happened in a few short hours. Now there is more bad in that statement than good, but I think a little of my guilt was taken away due to that fact that I didn't go in on Sat. when in my gut I knew something was wrong (hindsight...ugh!!!). The other bad part of that statement is that no matter what extra monitoring they would have given me or will give me this time around can prevent that from happening again to me or anyone in that matter unless it happens when I am in the office...scary, I know!!!
They will be monitoring me extra this time around starting at 30-32 weeks. NST's and Biophysical ultrasounds (these measure the amt. of oxygenation the baby is getting over a period of time) most likely on a weekly basis. This is strictly for me (my sanity) and to keep my anxiety/stress down to a minimum. I am already looking for a good doppler to have at home, so when this baby decides it doesn't want to move I can save myself a trip to the doctor or hospital by reassuring myself all is good by hearing its heartbeat. I am also dealing with low blood pressure, which I have had in all of my pregnancies, but this time it is actually causing me to almost black out and lose feeling in my extremities...not good!!! I was a nervous wreck on Tuesday and my blood pressure was 92/60, imagine how low it is when I am semi-relaxed. So I have to change my diet up a little bit and eat more smaller meals. Low blood pressure and cord problems is not a good mix. He also wants me cutting my exercise ( I am a big runner and love to spin), which is probably going to be the hardest thing for me. It is my break from the kids and keeps me sane. I am going to try my best to get into yoga, swimming, and learn to like walking...loooong 8 months ahead, but I will do whatever it takes to get this baby here safely!!!!
My husband and doctor have both told me I have to be positive, so I find myself repeating to myself a couple of times a day, I WILL HAVE A HEALTHY BABY IN 2012. I think my kids think I have finally lost my mind, but I have to admit it is very hard to believe this will end good. I had 3 great pregnancies and 3 beautiful children before my 1 great pregnancy resulting in my angel. I guess the bad seems to out weigh the good in this circumstance.
My sonogram was great and my husband was so excited on Tuesday and I just couldn't get there and I hate that. My body has put up its defense mechanism and there is nothing I can do to override it right now, hence my Postitive Mantra above :)
For all my BLM's who read this I wish you lots of luck TTC...I need some of you in crazy land with me because no one can understand what I am currently feeling except you. I can't wait for you guys to join me in this bittersweet journey. My normal has once again been altered and I have a long road ahead of me!!!
FYI- For the few of you that read this and we are FB friends, please do not post anything on my page about this. If you want to message me and ask that is fine. If things don't work out again I don't want to have another public loss. As compassionate as everyone was I had to deal with things too soon for my liking. I have no control over this outcome just like I had no control over Logan's and I want people to know when I am ready...like a smiling picture of my rainbow when he/she grace's us with it's arrival...positive thinking!!!
The reason I struggled with putting it out there is it is still early, I am only 7.5 weeks, and I am technically not into the "safe" zone yet. Unfortunately, once you have a full term loss that "safe" zone of after 13 weeks is a load of crap. There is no lessen risk for me until I am holding my baby in my arms and they are breathing, crying, opening their eyes, and holding my finger with their little hand (gives me the shivers just thinking about it). I know for a fact that if this pregnancy does not work out, that it would be another bump in this damn road I am on, and I would write about it. This little one deserves a happy post while I know everything is looking good. Hopefully there will be 8 months + more of these to follow.
Now to the brutal reality of this pregnancy...I am not supposed to be pregnant and this child unfortunately is not supposed to be here. I feel blessed, more than happy, and have wanted nothing more in the last 6 months than to reach this point, but the reality is losing Logan is the only reason this little person is going to exist. For a mother that is a tough pill to swallow and I think the only term to describe this pregnancy is BITTERSWEET!!!
I found out I was pregnant over Memorial day weekend and it was like a huge weight taken off my shoulders when I saw that faint line. TTC sucks!!! I know it is supposed to be such a wonderful time, but it is not. Not after such a monumental loss. It actually became a stressful time because I was so obsessed with it and would be so frustrated when the last few months went by and no luck. I swear I was actually hallucinating lines and spent a small fortune on hpt's. There is no such thing as waiting until you missed your period to test when you want to know so bad if it worked this month.Whoever thought it would be so hard to get pregnant. John and I would literally just have to stand in the same room and i would end up pregnant (that was the joke anyway amongst family and friends). This time it was a little different, but in the end everything has worked out and now I am mess, but for a different reason.
I had my first appt. on Tuesday, and like I thought I ovulated late so I am 2 days behind my original due date of Feb.5 per LMP. Good news is since my doctor wants to get this baby out ASAP and a previous cord accident is not a sufficient reason to the hospital (damn protocol) to take the baby out before 39 weeks (unless some distress is noticed in the last month) he is not touching my due date. We will be inducing at 39 weeks, which technically will be 38 weeks and a few days (they don't do inductions on sunday so that would push me back a few days to thursday or friday, haha take that hospital protocol!!!)
My O.B. is wonderful and I can't believe I was thinking about switching just to get a new experience because that of course would guarantee a different outcome...right?!? Well, I am glad the common sense side of me kicked in because I can't explain to you the amount of compassion everyone in the office is showing me...then again having Fetal Demise stamped and highlighted all over your chart may have something to do with that, but I will take all that I can get.
At first I was slightly pissed because they weren't going to consider me high risk and then a friend of mine made a very smart comment on how she would rather be a high priority in a regular o.b. office than a low priority in a high risk office...makes more than enough sense to me, so that is what we are sticking with and my doctor lived up to it.
He also shared some information with me that he hadn't previously about Logan's death. He said he classified it as an acute cord accident. There were no markings around his neck to signify that he had been tangled up for a long time and it most likely happened in a few short hours. Now there is more bad in that statement than good, but I think a little of my guilt was taken away due to that fact that I didn't go in on Sat. when in my gut I knew something was wrong (hindsight...ugh!!!). The other bad part of that statement is that no matter what extra monitoring they would have given me or will give me this time around can prevent that from happening again to me or anyone in that matter unless it happens when I am in the office...scary, I know!!!
They will be monitoring me extra this time around starting at 30-32 weeks. NST's and Biophysical ultrasounds (these measure the amt. of oxygenation the baby is getting over a period of time) most likely on a weekly basis. This is strictly for me (my sanity) and to keep my anxiety/stress down to a minimum. I am already looking for a good doppler to have at home, so when this baby decides it doesn't want to move I can save myself a trip to the doctor or hospital by reassuring myself all is good by hearing its heartbeat. I am also dealing with low blood pressure, which I have had in all of my pregnancies, but this time it is actually causing me to almost black out and lose feeling in my extremities...not good!!! I was a nervous wreck on Tuesday and my blood pressure was 92/60, imagine how low it is when I am semi-relaxed. So I have to change my diet up a little bit and eat more smaller meals. Low blood pressure and cord problems is not a good mix. He also wants me cutting my exercise ( I am a big runner and love to spin), which is probably going to be the hardest thing for me. It is my break from the kids and keeps me sane. I am going to try my best to get into yoga, swimming, and learn to like walking...loooong 8 months ahead, but I will do whatever it takes to get this baby here safely!!!!
My husband and doctor have both told me I have to be positive, so I find myself repeating to myself a couple of times a day, I WILL HAVE A HEALTHY BABY IN 2012. I think my kids think I have finally lost my mind, but I have to admit it is very hard to believe this will end good. I had 3 great pregnancies and 3 beautiful children before my 1 great pregnancy resulting in my angel. I guess the bad seems to out weigh the good in this circumstance.
My sonogram was great and my husband was so excited on Tuesday and I just couldn't get there and I hate that. My body has put up its defense mechanism and there is nothing I can do to override it right now, hence my Postitive Mantra above :)
For all my BLM's who read this I wish you lots of luck TTC...I need some of you in crazy land with me because no one can understand what I am currently feeling except you. I can't wait for you guys to join me in this bittersweet journey. My normal has once again been altered and I have a long road ahead of me!!!
FYI- For the few of you that read this and we are FB friends, please do not post anything on my page about this. If you want to message me and ask that is fine. If things don't work out again I don't want to have another public loss. As compassionate as everyone was I had to deal with things too soon for my liking. I have no control over this outcome just like I had no control over Logan's and I want people to know when I am ready...like a smiling picture of my rainbow when he/she grace's us with it's arrival...positive thinking!!!
5 comments:
I am very excited for you and sending LOTS of positive thoughts and prayers your way! I also have 3 beautiful children and just recently (March 4th, the be exact) lost our fourth child, Isaac. It is stories like yours that give me hope and make me think that *maybe* --just maybe-- we'll try again at some point. I wonder often when that will be and know it is different for everyone. Your story gives me hope. I can't wait to read about your beautiful rainbow in the coming months!
I'm so glad you decided to blog about this! I totally agree with your reasoning for posting! I hope to join you in crazy land soon and I am so happy that Logan is going to be a big brother :)
Congratulations Darcey, this is fantastic news. I'm sure it is a very stressful time for you, but of course I am sending you hope and positive energy for a healthy baby in January 2012.
:)
Wonderful news! So happy for u! Hope to be with u soon!
Great news congratulations!! I sent you an email!
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