An Eerie Deja Vu

Ugh....I am 2 days away from the 6 month anniversary of when I got to meet my angel.  The worst part is it was Friday 6 months ago when I knew in my gut that something was wrong.  Why didn't I go right to my doctor you ask? I don't effing know.  Actually I do, but the reasons I came up with are so insignificant now and only deepen the guilt that I feel on a daily basis that there really is no reason to rehash them here again.

I went to the dentist yesterday and I am seeing a new dentist which I liked because I didn't have to go through my whole medical history in detail and they know nothing about me except what I choose to tell them.  I can't change much in this roller coaster, but this was one thing I had control over and any chance to make one of these visits easier sounded great to me.  Basic medical history was no problem and I was even able to tell her I had a late term loss in December and she was very respectful and didn't even comment ( I think this was probably more for the fact I had my daughter with me, but I will take it). Then she did something that really bothered me...she typed Miscarriage in December under the reasons for recent hospitalization...I didn't have a _______(pick any of about 5 expletives to fit into this blank) miscarriage.  My son was full term and he was stillborn. Hell, I would have even taken fetal demise at that point (as much as it makes me cringe when I hear that at my O.B. office). Just something to identify him as more than a bunch of cells that didn't form correctly or my body rejected...it may sound ridiculous, but he was/is more than that and I felt he deserved more.  It was a cord accident and if I would have had an early miscarriage I would have said miscarriage.  I guess that is my fault for not saying I had a stillbirth...lesson learned!!

If you ignore my rant above I actually had a great appt. and I do like them, and what is even better is I have EXCELLENT dental hygiene and my teeth look great...woohoo for me!!!

Now to the Deja Vu part...6 months ago and 1 day to the date I went to a TB Lightning hockey game with my husband, his co-worker, and a few clients.  This is where Logan had almost spastic movements of kicking me square in the ribs that I thought was him overstimulated from all the noise being in a hockey arena....WRONG!!!! More like the beginning/end of a cord accident.

Guess what my husband had last night??? I am sure you guessed it, another work event. This time it was a  TB Rays v Red Sox baseball game with the same co-worker, but different clients.  I was very hesitant to go and I don't think it  really hit me why until we were walking to the stadium.  A comment was made about the hockey game, my thought was "the last time I really felt my son move".

The next comment was then made about driving to Ft. Lauderdale for their work party, my thought was "I put off going to the hospital 14 hours because my effing husband got guilted into going to that stupid party by his boss". As a side note,  I did not tell my husband I was very worried about something being wrong. If I would have he would have not gone to the party and taken me to the hospital, so this one is solely on me.

The last comment was about how drunk the co-worker got and couldn't get back in time to Tampa to go to the Lions v. Bucs game (He is from Detroit area as well and we were all supposed to go to this game), my thought " I was driving to the hospital past the Bucs stadium, watching all the tailgaters, and crying uncontrollably because I was so scared that something was wrong and literally watching my whole life change before my eyes and not even knowing it (fun-filled party in my head, right?).

I was minimally sociable and exhausted for reasons I will go into next week, but it did feel good to be involved in normal everyday life amongst adults.  As a stay at home mom  that is what my life lacks more than anything and I realize I need to do that more.

So here I am 48 hours away from when they told me 6 months ago my son no longer had a heartbeat and not only is it falling on the same day, but it is also Father's day...lucky us!!