Just Keep Rolling With the Punches

As we enter December the reality of what lies ahead in less than 2 weeks is starting to really set in and I just want it to be over with.  We are very busy right now which is helpful, but at the same time it is a constant reminder of what really went down last year.  My son will again have his Christmas concert next friday, and my husband will have his work Christmas party on that Saturday just like last year.  I really feel all I can do is try to breathe and get through it.  I am still debating on exactly what we are going to do to celebrate it.  We are a very low key family, so to be honest I just want to keep it simple and sweet.  Even my living children's 1st birthday's were spent just with family and a few close friends...definitely not the party of the year by any means.  I have seen so many wonderful things done by women/families on here and I have yet to feel like I have found what will work with me and mine.  I guess I don't know how to party plan for my dead son, which I feel terribly guilty about.  I just want him here with us.  Luckily I have 12 days to figure things out.

On the Layton front things are interesting like they have been for the past 7 months.  I decided to keep my 30 week appt last Thursday and I am glad I did, but I did learn that it isn't a good idea to go visit Logan before the appointment.  I thought I was feeling fine, but my blood pressure told a completely different story.

I finally went out and bought some decorations for his gravesite and my husband met me there and we decorated his tree and hung up a small stocking.  I was very surprised that I did so well and made it through with only a few tears.  It was more of a "I can't believe I am in a cemetery decorating my dead son's grave on December 1st" type of reaction, but like everything else it seems I just go with the flow.

I had my last regular O.B. appt before growth scans, NST's, etc. were to begin at 32 weeks (Dec. 16th) and I have been feeling good so I figured what the hell, might as well just make sure everything is where it should be.  Well, big shock it wasn't.  My blood pressure was extremely high (137/78) and I am normally around 110/60 and I had gained an insane amount of weight in 2 weeks.  I was so confused because I just started working out regularly again, was watching my carb intake, and felt like I had my stress level under control....WRONG!!!!  After having a brief discussion with my doctor we decided to get some blood drawn just to make sure I wasn't heading down the path of preeclampsia and would come back in on Monday for another BP check and go over blood work.  I just looked at my doctor and shook my head because again I am hearing a medical term used with this pregnancy that has never been used with any of my 4 previous pregnancies. I really think I have absolutely covered just about everything this time around.

Went in yesterday good news is blood work turned out normal and I unexpectedly got my first Biophysical ultrasound done and he received an 8/8...woohoo.  He is looking good and weighing in at 4.3 lbs currently, but it appears that I am carrying excess fluid.  On top of that he is transverse and never even attempted to change position when she moved me around.  So now we have another issue we need to keep an eye on.  Again, it is never ending.  The excess fluid is why I am measuring 2 weeks ahead. I have not reached the actual diagnosis of polyhydraminos yet but I am right on the border. This could make it difficult for him to turn, but they aren't too worried about it yet.  Me on the other hand made a mistake of turning to Dr. Google and I think i just poked a hole in the dam that has been holding back many of my fears and anxiety that I was hoping to put aside until after the new year.

One of the risks of excess fluid during pregnancy include higher risk of cord accident/cord prolapse during labor...for a mommy that lost her last child to cord accident and also experienced a cord prolapse during the labor process this is not a comforting thought.  Not to mention all of the photos they gave me have his cord laying up by his face.  The tech assured me that it was not around his neck and showed me where I could see his neck and chest and the cord was not touching either.  To be completely honest, this didn't do much to ease my fears.  As I watched the 4D ultrasound I just realized how much I want him here.  I am so scared he is going to face the same fate as his brother.  Most women feel the safest time is when their baby is in the inside away from the world and all germs and awful things...i am the opposite.  I want him out and the sooner the better. I do not trust my body or anything I do not have complete control over right now.  I know he is nowhere close to being ready and has 7 weeks of baking time left, but I just want him alive and I really don't care how that gets accomplished.  

The good news is I have weekly appointments now filled with all sorts of antenatal testing.  Next friday I start off with a NST followed by another ultrasound.  The doctor I saw yesterday was amazing and I am really hoping my doctor I see next Friday will be just as supportive.  I am trying to figure out how exactly I am going to make it through the next month and a half.