Like many in the BLM world who have written about their baby's 1st birthday on here it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be (even though technically it is tomorrow). I think the idea of it is actually more overwhelming than going through it. I know in my heart that he passed somewhere between the 17th and 18th, so a year ago today he was already gone...subconsciously I think I knew it which is why I put off going in to the next morning. My brain and heart were not ready to recognize what my body already knew. It makes me sick thinking about it.
I also think losing my cat last Sunday unexpectedly kind of kick started my grieving/anger that was probably saved up for this weekend. Two crappy events that will be memorialized together from now on. On the way to taking balloons to Logan's spot today my 4 year old asked me if we would see Trooper there too...totally forgot we didn't discuss what they do with pets once they die...crap!!! So I told him pets weren't allowed and that they had their own place that wasn't open today, but she was with Logan up in heaven so it didn't matter that they weren't physically next to each other...not the best cover story, but he bought it and then he went on to the next logical question of how do we get up to heaven and why we can't see all the people up there...luckily we drove past a construction site and he got all excited about the bulldozers and a building being built, so we didn't have to get too creative on the answer...thank goodness!!!
It was a beautiful day this morning. It was a complete blue sky, cool 60 degrees, and a nice breeze...eerily similar to the morning we buried him. The kids each had a balloon for him and we brought him a nice bouquet of fresh flowers. My boys are what they are, and just couldn't resist touching everyone's Christmas decorations no matter how many times we told them to stop, so our stay was extremely brief. Poor Logan was probably looking down at the chaos that is his family just shaking his head, but I have to admit in times like this it is nice to have a distraction to minimize the seriousness and sadness of this occasion. Again, my kids save mommy from another emotional breakdown.
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| Luke refused to get in the picture, so it is just of my older two at Logan's special spot. |
We got home and I took a nice long nap followed by baking cupcakes for Logan's birthday tomorrow. The kids helped make them and are very much looking forward to blowing out his candle tomorrow and eating them. We will be releasing balloons tomorrow evening and of course sending some to Trooper as well. I promised Landon we would write her name on hers so Logan would know that they all weren't for him. Even in heaven the poor kid has to share his stuff, and with a cat no less!
365 days gone and it is just the beginning...another day, another week, another month, etc. of missing him. That being said, 364 days ago I never really thought I would be here. I hoped I would, but it seemed so overwhelming and scary. I still have tears for him on a daily basis and my heart aches for him, but now it is over the things he/we will never get to experience. It sucks, but I know I have to continue to deal with his death and grow from it. The ache, missing, and hurting will never stop, but I hope that I will continue to be the best mother and person I can be for his sake. He has impacted my life in a way that no one ever will be able to duplicate. It is my responsibility to make the best of things for myself and my family.
***I hope I haven't disappointed you. You are so missed and loved. RIP my sweet boy***
<3 LOGAN GREGORY <3
2 comments:
Thinking of you today..... so sorry that a year has passed without your little man. There are truly no words, so I'm sending you a huge cyber hug!
You are SUCH an amazing mom to all of your kids and it is so clear how much Logan is loved. His spot looks so sweet even though I know it is not how you ever would have imagined celebrating him. The day was so much harder for us than the date...I wonder if that shifts over the years..thinking of you all!
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