The Third Trimester and Everything That Goes With It

Well, I have officially crossed the third trimester marker and will be 29 weeks on Sunday. I had a very emotional week and I think it is because 1) This weekend will mark 11 months without our son and 2) I cannot go anywhere without EVERYONE asking how far along I am, when am I due, and what number is this. I know it is normal, but this time around I just want to shut myself in the house until this is over.  I still don't have the heart or currently the ability to hold back tears (damn pregnancy hormones) and tell strangers about losing Logan.  I keep conversations brief and try to get on with what I am doing and I immediately apologize over and over to Logan for not discussing his brief existence with everyone I come in contact with.

I finally put school aside and I went and visited Logan for the first time in a long time and promised him and myself that I will never go that long again between visits.  Luckily, a fellow BLM (thank you again Raquel, I can't tell you how much it meant to me) who's son Jeremiah is Logan's neighbor in Babyland added the cutest little scarecrow.  It was such a thoughtful thing to do and made me smile when I really needed it the most.  It was a beautiful morning and I got a nice fall bouquet of flowers to place in his vase.  Boy, I thought it was hard going pre-pregnancy, but let me tell you being this pregnant and having Layton kick me while i talk/cry while sitting at the foot of his grave is another experience all in its own.  I think my brain is still trying to process that I am carrying a different child than I was last year...it is so surreal.

On a positive note I let my mom order Layton's nursery bedding and I am pretty sure we have decided on colors for his room.  We went with a safari theme that has monkey's in it.  This is very important to me because the one and only outfit we bought for Logan had monkeys on it and we buried him with one of those little silk blankets with a stuffed monkey attached. I have promised myself that I will not burden this poor boy with memories of his brother his whole life, but I think having a little bit of Logan in his room will help me during the first couple of months when I know it will be the most difficult.

I had my 28 week appointment on Thursday and I finally got to see the doctor that delivered Logan. Until he read my file, which was 3 minutes before he came into my room, he had no clue of the hell I went through the previous 2 months concerning my 20 week scans, quad test, amnio, etc.  He just came in and gave me the biggest hug and said how sorry he was that we went through that, but how thankful he was that everything turned out okay.  He asked how I was doing, and I told him better except for that one day last week, and he reassured me that next time just come in and they will take a look to make sure all is good.  He also said that if I wanted to come back in 2 weeks I could for a regular visit and then 2 weeks after that I will get a biophysical profile done via ultrasound.  This is the test I am really relying on.  The BPP's  measure breathing movements, oxygenation, etc. of a what a healthy baby should display.  They will use this as the baseline and we will do these every 2 weeks until 36 weeks and then weekly or biweekly mixing in some NST's along the way.

 I am very happy for the extra monitoring, but also realized that if I am not getting an ultrasound or NST done there really is no point for me to go in unless i think there is a problem.  I have a doppler and to be honest I still get anxiety when walking into the office, so part of me thinks I may just cancel my 30 week appt and just wait until the 32 week one where I get to see my little man.  That 32 week appointment is going to be a tough one because it will be on Dec. 16...3 short days from when I got to meet and then say goodbye to my angel.  I already warned my doctor to expect me to cry when I see him and he said that he will bring the tissues :)

 He really is a great man, but I still have issues when it comes to discussing the chance of another cord accident. Besides the fact that I almost broke down this time when talking about it...I just keep begging him that if he sees the cord anywhere near his neck or wrapped around another body part that he will make a note of it and discuss it with us. I refuse to let what happen last time happen again!!!

 He does keep reminding me that 1 in 4 babies have the nuchal cord issue and have no problems during delivery (which my son Landon was one of those statistics, but Logan entered a completely different group of statistics and trumps any other past experiences) and then I gently remind him that I don't care about statistics and just want my son here safely, which he does agree with.

If things go as planned in exactly 10 weeks I should be in the hospital getting induced...have I mentioned how far away those 10 weeks seem...ugh!!!

Tomorrow will be Logan's official 11 month anniversary, but my heart tells me in all actuality the 18th is when he left us.  I had another sleepless night (like the 7 months previous on the 17th/18th night) and a day full of tears.  I really miss him and keep wondering if it will ever get any easier.

Logan,
Mommy loves and misses you so much.  I am constantly thinking about you and what my life is like without you physically in it.  I can't believe it has been 11 months...it breaks my heart!!! As another holiday approaches the sadness of you not being able to celebrate your first Thanksgiving is taking over.

I love you my beautiful son,

Mommy