*** WARNING...lots of complaining below. I am very grateful for what I have, but am having one of those days. Figured I should get it out of my system now before I stew in it all day, so I apologize for the vent!!***
Well, I haven't had one of these mornings since Logan's 6 month angelversary. Let me tell you, these down moments are bad enough without the pregnancy hormone's tied in, but with them it isn't pretty. It may be the fatigue, headache from my kids fighting 24-7 (please let the school year get here quickly), or the fact that my husband and I never get a break and that truly takes it's toll.
I am still not truly excited about this pregnancy because it is too early and I am expecting to not hear a heartbeat when I go back in 18 days...the longest 18 days I might add. I want Logan here and I don't want to do this again. His pregnancy was supposed to be my last one. I am not supposed to be doing this again and it breaks my heart and makes me angry.
I am not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. I look at it as the process from A to B. I acknowledge it is a true miracle, but it is way too long for my liking and as I have learned the hard way there is no guarantees. I absolutely LOVE feeling the baby move inside of me, but that is where it stops. I used to look forward to going to the doctor and listening to the sound of my babies heart beating, but now I am just plain terrified. There is little about pregnancy that I find safe anymore.
I am 33 now and not 26 like I was when I had Taylor (good Lord, I have spent almost a decade being pregnant, nursing and changing diapers...ahhhh!!!!). Things are a little tougher on my body and really don't know how 40 year old women have babies. What I would do to go back to my twenties...enjoy it young one's because it goes fast!!!!
My grumpiness might be due to the fact that another holiday is coming up and my favorite one I might add. I <3 the 4th of July mainly due to the fact I love fireworks and down here in the south they do it right. I hate that I don't have to worry about getting Logan to sleep before they start, because once they do they go on for hours. I also found peace in sitting by our pool and watching them light up the sky, but that peace is forever broken. Another holiday, another adjustment and here I am again a year later and still pregnant. I still think my mind still struggles with the fact that I was 9 1/2 months pregnant and have nothing to show for it. I am 3-4 weeks off of my timeline with Logan...not much difference so it is a little bit eerie and scary for me.
I have made my bed and I am prepared to lay in it. I knew what I was getting myself into and looked forward to being able to write a post like this. I am very grateful for having been able to conceive but I have a long way to go and still no guarantee there will be a living, breathing, healthy baby at the end. I think during the TTC process we aren't able to fully comprehend the anxiety that presents itself because we just want to be pregnant so bad, but I also know if it is now, 6 months from now or even a year this anxiety would still be here.
I know as I get further along my attitude will change, but I am at a bad point right now. I don't have very many pregnancy symptoms even though I am almost 9 weeks so that in itself makes things difficult to accept things are going okay. My stress level is ridiculously high for many different reasons and that isn't good for me or the baby. For the first time ever I think i wish I was bent over a toilet...something to convince me that this pregnancy is real.
Sorry for the vent...i am feeling a little better already. I just need to get to the point where I am feeling this little peanut and then maybe some of my anxiety will start to fade.
Well, I haven't had one of these mornings since Logan's 6 month angelversary. Let me tell you, these down moments are bad enough without the pregnancy hormone's tied in, but with them it isn't pretty. It may be the fatigue, headache from my kids fighting 24-7 (please let the school year get here quickly), or the fact that my husband and I never get a break and that truly takes it's toll.
I am still not truly excited about this pregnancy because it is too early and I am expecting to not hear a heartbeat when I go back in 18 days...the longest 18 days I might add. I want Logan here and I don't want to do this again. His pregnancy was supposed to be my last one. I am not supposed to be doing this again and it breaks my heart and makes me angry.
I am not one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. I look at it as the process from A to B. I acknowledge it is a true miracle, but it is way too long for my liking and as I have learned the hard way there is no guarantees. I absolutely LOVE feeling the baby move inside of me, but that is where it stops. I used to look forward to going to the doctor and listening to the sound of my babies heart beating, but now I am just plain terrified. There is little about pregnancy that I find safe anymore.
I am 33 now and not 26 like I was when I had Taylor (good Lord, I have spent almost a decade being pregnant, nursing and changing diapers...ahhhh!!!!). Things are a little tougher on my body and really don't know how 40 year old women have babies. What I would do to go back to my twenties...enjoy it young one's because it goes fast!!!!
My grumpiness might be due to the fact that another holiday is coming up and my favorite one I might add. I <3 the 4th of July mainly due to the fact I love fireworks and down here in the south they do it right. I hate that I don't have to worry about getting Logan to sleep before they start, because once they do they go on for hours. I also found peace in sitting by our pool and watching them light up the sky, but that peace is forever broken. Another holiday, another adjustment and here I am again a year later and still pregnant. I still think my mind still struggles with the fact that I was 9 1/2 months pregnant and have nothing to show for it. I am 3-4 weeks off of my timeline with Logan...not much difference so it is a little bit eerie and scary for me.
I have made my bed and I am prepared to lay in it. I knew what I was getting myself into and looked forward to being able to write a post like this. I am very grateful for having been able to conceive but I have a long way to go and still no guarantee there will be a living, breathing, healthy baby at the end. I think during the TTC process we aren't able to fully comprehend the anxiety that presents itself because we just want to be pregnant so bad, but I also know if it is now, 6 months from now or even a year this anxiety would still be here.
I know as I get further along my attitude will change, but I am at a bad point right now. I don't have very many pregnancy symptoms even though I am almost 9 weeks so that in itself makes things difficult to accept things are going okay. My stress level is ridiculously high for many different reasons and that isn't good for me or the baby. For the first time ever I think i wish I was bent over a toilet...something to convince me that this pregnancy is real.
Sorry for the vent...i am feeling a little better already. I just need to get to the point where I am feeling this little peanut and then maybe some of my anxiety will start to fade.
3 comments:
Totally get it!! Hugs!
Praying things work out this time for you! I'm still waiting for my tests (tomorrow and again Monday) to find out if this cycle worked for us.... It's HARD! With Jenna, I never had any real symptoms early on... so I know how you feel about the waiting between appts, worrying that something had gone wrong. She was invitro,and I couldn't let myself actually believe I was pregnant! This time, I've almost convinced myself that I'm not (defense mechanism I suppose)
Anyway, don't feel bad about venting.. that's the beauty of blogging.. you can release, and know that there are people out there who understand!!!
I love how you said "I knew what I was getting myself into and looked forward to being able to write a post like this". I so get that! I too look forward to writing a post like this, but TOTALLY get where you are coming from! I'm so bummed not to be joining you in Crazyland this month, but I'm rooting for you every step of the way!
Post a Comment