7 Months

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Pretty much what I want to do right now, but both of my boys are sleeping right now and I am enjoying a little peace for once. I am a worried mess of nerves and have yet been able to find a way to get rid of it since I have solely depended on exercise to do that my entire life. Now that all exercise is TBD due to this damn SCH I am having a very hard day trying to relax.

I never changed my O.B. appt because I was trying to take the approach that what will happen will happen and I can't change it, and besides I got my doppler and have been pretty good about finding babies hb so I have been feeling pretty confident things were okay (definitely recommend it for you BLM's out there when you get prego with your rainbow as long as you won't freak out when you can't find it early on, which I have been good about not doing).  Well, all that changed about 4 a.m. this morning when I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep and then all my fears came rushing back like a tidal wave.  The 19th of Dec. played over and over in my head and I couldn't shake it. I was so mad at myself for not changing the appt. I hate the 19th. I have nothing, but sadness and anger when I think of this date in any month.

  I finally got up due to my 2 year old requesting to watch WipeOut (household favorite) at 5:45 in the morning (thank goodness for my children's distractions) and settled into the couch for some snuggles. Unfortunately, my stomach was a rollercoaster and I just wanted 9:30 to get here.

So had my ultrasound and baby is doing very well. It was all over the place waving and bouncing and measuring 2 days ahead right to my LMP date which is a good thing since (hopefully) we will be evacuating this one about a week and a half early.  We tried to see what we are having (yes I am only 11 weeks, but our tech is that good) and baby wasn't cooperating.  Right now the odds are girl, but we won't know for sure probably for another month...my feelings on that are mixed and will be saved for another time when I know for sure.

Bad news is SCH is still there. It has gotten a little larger around 3 cm and that is a little bit of a concern since I am still not having any bleeding (which is good and bad because these things tend to bleed out or reabsorb into the body and mine appears to be just hanging out). Well mine is bleeding into the uterus and pooling down by my cervix (just off to the side). THe baby is above it and has no idea whatsoever what is going on.  She also said it appears to be old, black, thick clotted blood and has clear perimeters...which John and I took as a good sign.  Now I just need my body to absorb this mess already.  I asked some more specific questions this time around and made my doctor actually earn her copay.  I have to say she did say we need to hope that it doesn't continue to grow because then I become a very high risk for a 2nd trimester miscarriage...that pretty much did me in and had to hold back to tears.

I also for the first time had a doctor tell me to eat, well actually relax and then eat, because I have lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks and I don't have any morning sickness to explain it. I do eat, but have been probably a little more healthier this time around and am taking care of 3 kids in this hot mess of a state.  That alone would keep any extra pounds off pregnant or not. I know my problem is my nerves and worrying that something will go wrong AGAIN!!!  I wish I could just turn it off, but it is not possible unless they decide to put me into a coma for the next 6 1/2 months.  As long as this SCH is here I will not be a tad bit relaxed until I reach viability age at 24 weeks and even that seems like a lifetime away.

As I was driving home and relieved that baby is thriving I still struggle with the fact that I am doing this all over again.  I still have not really connected with baby because on days like today I just want Logan here and not to deal with this mess and be scared to death for every doctor appt.  I want to be able to tell my kids that I am almost 11 1/2 weeks pregnant and have this be an exciting time, but I cannot. My days are divided between taking care of my kids, missing Logan, worrying that Logan's (sister/brother???) may not make it and no exercise to take it away. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!   It is so exhausting!!!!

***I miss and love you so much my sweet boy.***