I think for the first time in my life I actually know what an addict feels like. When they want and crave something so bad, but they just can't have it. I have been dealing with this for the last couple of weeks and for a specific reason...that reason's name is Jackson.
Jackson is the little brother of a girl taking gymnastics on Mondays, when Taylor has practice, and he is 4 1/2 months old and the 4th child of this family. Logan would have been about 4 1/2 months old and he is my 4th. It tears me up inside every time I see him. Unfortunately, I have to see him every Monday at 4:15 and for some reason his mom has decided to sit right next to me the last 2 weeks and sweet Jackson just sits there and smiles at me for an hour. I do find myself smiling back at him, but then it feels like a punch in the gut and then I spend the next 20 minutes holding the tears back thinking that I should be sitting here holding my 4 month old...UGH!!! I have wanted so many times to ask her when he was born, but I know that is going to lead to the "talk" and I don't know this mom well enough to ruin her day and have her purposely avoid me, thinking she is doing me a favor.
I know that I am blessed to have 3 beautiful children that I hug more often these days to help me through my tough times, but the ache/crave I feel for my angel is so strong and overwhelming some days. 4 1/2 months ago my angel was born into to heaven and here I am 4 1/2 months later still feeling the loss like it was yesterday.
Jackson is the little brother of a girl taking gymnastics on Mondays, when Taylor has practice, and he is 4 1/2 months old and the 4th child of this family. Logan would have been about 4 1/2 months old and he is my 4th. It tears me up inside every time I see him. Unfortunately, I have to see him every Monday at 4:15 and for some reason his mom has decided to sit right next to me the last 2 weeks and sweet Jackson just sits there and smiles at me for an hour. I do find myself smiling back at him, but then it feels like a punch in the gut and then I spend the next 20 minutes holding the tears back thinking that I should be sitting here holding my 4 month old...UGH!!! I have wanted so many times to ask her when he was born, but I know that is going to lead to the "talk" and I don't know this mom well enough to ruin her day and have her purposely avoid me, thinking she is doing me a favor.
I know that I am blessed to have 3 beautiful children that I hug more often these days to help me through my tough times, but the ache/crave I feel for my angel is so strong and overwhelming some days. 4 1/2 months ago my angel was born into to heaven and here I am 4 1/2 months later still feeling the loss like it was yesterday.
3 comments:
Hey Darcey! Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog. I look forward to reading more about Logan--he is beautiful!
A friend and I went through our pregnancies together. She had her little guy 3 days after Jack was born. I just saw her post something this morning about how her little man is 14lbs... That's TWICE what Jack weighed and I can't even imagine what that feels like.
I ache too. It's funny how certain things can bring you back to that raw "just lost him" feeling.
I had no idea Darcey. You are so strong my friend...
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