Minus One

Something very interesting happened when we went to visit Logan on Easter morning, actually 2 things, and it was the first time either has ever happened...there was another BLM (baby lost mother) there placing a very beautiful white and pink rose heart on her daughter's grave.  The crazy part about it was she had to be in her mid to late 60's (which means her angel should be around my age) and for an instant I saw my life 30+ years from now.  Still mourning my son, my minus one, who was taken before his life even started. Still taking time out of my Easter morning to place something beautiful on his special place.

It is definitely true about time healing wounds because she tried very nicely to speak to us about Logan.  I was too upset and John was trying to keep the boys from playing with all of the cool Easter decorations other parents had put out for their angels. I was so envious on how easy it was for her to speak to us, tell us sorry for our loss and even ask if our angel was a little boy or girl. John somehow managed to tell her he was little boy and she said hers was a little girl. She followed it up with, "Well, God did bless you with 2 boys after", which John kind of snapped at her that unfortunately Logan was our last one born.  Considering Luke is only 2 and I was a blubbering mess it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it had been a recent loss, and she quietly said God Bless and got back into her car.  I really felt bad because it wasn't her fault, but at the same time it did give me a little bit of hope that at some point in my life that will be me. A source of pride versus a source of sadness...guess I have a couple of decades to go.

The second thing was actually very funny and a nice tension breaker for me.  There is a very old and very large Oak tree that towers over Babyland IV, Logan's section.  It really does give some nice shade and at that moment it was the hammering post for a woodpecker.  I have read so many posts from women who have mentioned that whenever they go to visit their angel that there are butterflies, dragonflies, beautiful song birds... something God has sent down through nature to let you know that everything is going to be OK.  That has never happened to me before and believe me I am always looking.  Now considering how Luke and Landon are in terms of destruction and noise I had no doubt that that woodpecker was for us.   As I was trying to talk to my angel through my tears, that damn woodpecker would be hammering away...when i would turn around and look up he would stop and I couldn't see him anywhere.  I would turn back around and he would start up again.  After the 4th time of that I finally started laughing and got the message.  Even up in heaven my angel is a true Lapointe...Lord help whoever is responsible for him ;)

We ended the day with a great Easter day with family that I haven't seen since Thanksgiving. My sister in law and her family came over from Orlando and my sister came over after work for a nice Easter dinner.  It was very enjoyable and I didn't once break into tears...score 1 for me :)

I still feel angry about losing Logan, but we are starting church at St. Timothy's next Sunday so hopefully it will help.  Holiday's will always be tough and I can't help but feel cheated. The whole "minus one" aura hangs around mostly during the festivities...one less kid decorating Easter eggs, one less Easter basket to fill, one less smile in my house. I really do struggle with holidays and I know next year will be a little easier, hopefully!