For the first time in a long time I think I finally feel a little better. I have sat down several times for the last couple of days to write a post and really nothing was weighing heavily on my mind, which is a glorious feeling!!! I still have my out of nowhere 30 second crying spells that show up unannounced or when I read something knowing that it is going to hit me hard ( the article on the Gorilla mother in Germany who's 3 month old baby died), but overall I have had a pretty good 2 weeks.
Tomorrow is going to be another story. It will be 5 months...Logan should be 5 months old. He should be eating rice cereal and beginner fruits and veggies, sitting up and almost crawling, pulling our hair, and testing out his vocals. It is so unreal to me that we will never experience that with Logan, and that is what I struggle with now.
So as I find myself actually making a little progress these days, I sit back and ask myself why? The one answer that constantly fills my mind is FAMILY. Since Easter I have spent a lot of time with family on both sides. My sister who is now living down here stops in at least once a week with her adorable puppy Bacon, we have had 2 wonderful Saturdays with my sister in law and her family, my mother in law was here last weekend to celebrate Landon's 4th birthday, and my mother will be here on Saturday for a couple of days :)))) I love having everyone around and that for me is a huge step. For a few months after Logan had passed I really wasn't comfortable around people. I hate being pitied and it was just easier to avoid certain situations because it seemed I always ended up in tears when someone would make a very sweet and innocent comment about how I looked like I was doing better. In situations like this there tends to be a lot of guilt once you don't find yourself mourning 24-7, and that is where I am currently finding myself in this grief process that I swear is never ending.
On a positive note I have notice that I have been including Logan in normal flowing dialogue with my family and close friends. It is nice because I am able to include him in the events of my life because he is a HUGE event that has shaped who I now am physically, emotionally, and mentally. I smile when I talk about him even if it causes me to catch my breath after and that proves to me that I am getting there, slowly but surely!!!
***My sweet Logan I can't believe it will be 5 months tomorrow. We love and miss you so much and not a second goes by that I don't think about you.*** (damn 30 second crying spell ;-) )
Tomorrow is going to be another story. It will be 5 months...Logan should be 5 months old. He should be eating rice cereal and beginner fruits and veggies, sitting up and almost crawling, pulling our hair, and testing out his vocals. It is so unreal to me that we will never experience that with Logan, and that is what I struggle with now.
So as I find myself actually making a little progress these days, I sit back and ask myself why? The one answer that constantly fills my mind is FAMILY. Since Easter I have spent a lot of time with family on both sides. My sister who is now living down here stops in at least once a week with her adorable puppy Bacon, we have had 2 wonderful Saturdays with my sister in law and her family, my mother in law was here last weekend to celebrate Landon's 4th birthday, and my mother will be here on Saturday for a couple of days :)))) I love having everyone around and that for me is a huge step. For a few months after Logan had passed I really wasn't comfortable around people. I hate being pitied and it was just easier to avoid certain situations because it seemed I always ended up in tears when someone would make a very sweet and innocent comment about how I looked like I was doing better. In situations like this there tends to be a lot of guilt once you don't find yourself mourning 24-7, and that is where I am currently finding myself in this grief process that I swear is never ending.
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| L to R: Cousin Tyler, Landon, Taylor, Cousin Caitlyn, Luke |
On a positive note I have notice that I have been including Logan in normal flowing dialogue with my family and close friends. It is nice because I am able to include him in the events of my life because he is a HUGE event that has shaped who I now am physically, emotionally, and mentally. I smile when I talk about him even if it causes me to catch my breath after and that proves to me that I am getting there, slowly but surely!!!
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| Picture of my boys on Landon's 4th birthday. Logan was a spitting image of Landon at birth(which caught me completely off guard), so this is what Logan would have looked like at age 4 |
***My sweet Logan I can't believe it will be 5 months tomorrow. We love and miss you so much and not a second goes by that I don't think about you.*** (damn 30 second crying spell ;-) )
3 comments:
So glad you are doing a little better. I thought I was, but this has been a rough week. I still do many, many 30 second cries. :(
I agree, I am finally feeling a bit better too, but I know a rough patch is just around the corner...makes me feel like covering my head while running like mad to get away from it! Glad you got a little "break". I will join you in a 30 second crying spell sooner rather than later...5 months. How is that possible?!?
I just wrote something and I think it was deleted, so I'll re-write:
I can't begin to imagine what having a 5 month old would be like if our boys were still here. I find myself traveling back to the day when I knew we had lost him, wondering what it would be like "later". I wish I could say it's better, but never better... I do the fits & bursts of crying too.
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