From the Mouths of Babes

Some of this may be a recap for some of you that started reading this right after I started writing, but to make a long story short after I delivered Logan my biggest fear was how am I going to explain this to the kids.  Our social worker was wonderful and gave us some information on this, but she said with each child, like us, will take their own path in coming to terms with Logan's passing. Right after Logan passed away a mother emailed me and told me she had a late term stillbirth when her youngest was 3.  He is now 13 and still struggles with the loss of his brother and the impact it has had on his life not having him here. Not exactly comforting, but it is a reality. Doses of reality is something I have been getting plenty of in the last 6 months and I am sure there is more to come in the future.

My daughter who is 5 obviously took it the hardest and understood what had happened to a certain extent.  She remembers when her youngest brother Luke was born, visiting us, and then when he came home.  When I told her he wasn't going to come home she was literally screaming crying at our community park "NO, WHY? I want my baby!!! It devestated me and everyone there who had to witness it. Looking back it probably wasn't my best judgement call, but at the time I desperately needed to hug, kiss and hold my kids and I didn't want to wait for them to come home.

Taylor asked a million questions and was very vocal about why, how, where is he now...honestly answers that were a little harder to come up with than I had rehearsed in the car ride home.  These Q&A sessions went on for about a month or two until I think she was okay with the answers we were giving her.  She still tells me how much she misses Logan, but it is more of acceptance than sadness.  She is already planning his first Angelversary which is still 6 1/2 months away, but she does not skip a beat and he is always in right  after Grandma Christine's birthday in November when she is running through the list of birthdays to come in our family.

My boys are were a different story.  Luke wasn't even 2 when Logan passed away and all he knows is that baby Logan has his special place where we bring flowers and that he has his pictures all over our house.   Based on the events of tonight with my older son, I know for a fact that I will have to revisit this whole scenario in a year or 2 and it will not be a pretty sight.

So to the point of this whole entry...my oldest son, Landon, who just turned 4 on the 15th finally grieved for his brother.  It came out of left field earlier in the evening, and of course I was completely caught off guard. He asked me why the baby had to come out of my tummy.  Why he isn't here and why did he have to die? First off I have never heard him use Logan and dead in the same sentence. He always just says he is an Angel and that he misses him. Well being totally unprepared for this conversation I totally blanked and of course started crying which upset him a little, but told him I was sorry and I would do my best to give him a new baby brother or sister before he turned 5 (again probably poor judgement call). He seemed to be fine with it and went on to playing with Luke and Taylor.  Little did I know that was the tip of the iceberg.

Fast forward 45 minutes and everyone is getting teeth brushed and ready for bed.  As I am making my normal laps between kids rooms all of a sudden I hear this wailing crying coming from his room.  I mean loud. I thought he hurt himself or broke his favorite Star Wars toy.  I go running in and he has his head buried into my husbands chest crying hysterically.  Why?  He misses his brother and doesn't want him dead. He wants him here and he doesn't understand why he is with God and he is an Angel...heartbreak all over again.  I couldn't even look at John. Luckily I was semi-prepared this time around and answered all his questions for a good 5 minutes, but made a point to tell him that 4 year olds don't become angels (probably not in the kids dealing with death handbook, but I am not having him walking around thinking at any minute he could die and be taken from us right now).  I guess I knew this day was going to come, but wasn't expecting it so soon. He still is not happy about the situation, but hopefully now he will be able to start his healing process.  Based on my experience with this whole thing it really takes a major breakdown to make some progress.  I am hoping in the next few days he will keep asking these questions because with my daughter it really seemed to help.  It also forces me to deal with these things and as painful as they are, I know I need to.

I have to admit dealing with my grief is a million times easier than trying to help my kids.  Unfortunately, when I first joined some online grief boards I ran into some pretty bitter (all BLM's do have the right to be anytime they please) women who didn't want to hear from me because I have living children.  Yes, I am extremely fortunate to have 3 beautiful healthy children, but my loss is just as strong and painful as anyone who has lost their first.  As much as they have been my "lifeline" ( as Molly put it today in her blog), i have to deal with my grief x 3 (yes, feeling a little sorry for myself right now...sorry!!!) and seeing your child hurt that bad about something that I still feel responsible for is like reliving Logan's death all over again.

I am really hoping God witnessed my son's breakdown tonight and will be willing to help out on the TTC path.  I really think my whole family could use a Rainbow very soon!!!