Missing my little guy

I know I haven't been on here as much lately and that is because I am currently taking 2 grad classes and that is taking up the little time I do have that is not being taken up by my kids.  I also have felt the tension building because I haven't been able to get out my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis.  I actually have a few brief minutes so I thought I would get out as much as I can before I go back to my normal mommy duties, so I apologize for the random ramblings!!

As another holiday approaches, and a totally kid dominated one at that, I find myself missing my little guy so much.  Sometimes I think only being 4 weeks off of Logan's due date is screwing with me.  I look at myself in the mirror, and I get the horrible deja vu that I look exactly the same as I did last year at this exact time, and then I look at some pictures from last Halloween and realize I do.  Considering this is my 5th pregnancy in 7 years, and only had 5 months between Logan and this one, my body did not even attempt to put up the tiniest bit of a fight to hold things together.  I have already had a few comments about if I am expecting a Christmas baby and luckily I am able to force out a  smile and respond with a quick "nope end of Jan.".  It really does sting though considering how close I lost Logan to Christmas.  Most people don't realize I buried my son on Dec. 23....pure misery!!!!

I am also starting to feel the tension of his 1st anniversary coming up.  I just want it to be over, as bad as it may sound.  I have heard that the 2nd year is actually harder because you aren't in survival mode anymore, but I have come to terms that every year from now on is going to suck without him here.  I do think when Layton makes his arrival it will be a gut punch to me and a realization of what I missed out on in the last year, but for my kids it will be an exciting time and hopefully bring some much needed joy to our house.

In the last 2 weeks I have had several questions about death and babies from my 6 and 4 year old...it literally makes me sick to my stomach because this shouldn't be a normal discussion for children.  My 4  year old came right out and said "how did Logan get killed and will it happen to this brother too?"  I still can't have this discussion without tears flowing down my face and my only honest answer I can give them concerning Layton is " I really hope not".  I can't tell them no.  I can't make a promise that this time I will be bringing their brother home because there is no guarantees. I do feel very positive about this pregnancy ending up like my first 3 did, but my anxiety about another cord accident is starting to creep up on me.  As this guy gets larger i find myself searching desperately on my ultrasound photos for any sign of his cord being anywhere near his neck or wrapped around any of his body parts.  I find myself obsessing about this off and on and I keep trying to convince myself that since I have absolutely no control on this outcome that I just need to keep focusing on the positive.

I miss Logan so much and hate that I didn't have to pick out an infant costume this year.  I also feel incredibly guilty because I don't go out to see him as much as I used to.  I really am trying to focus on things living and he lives in my heart every day along with the flowers that are still blooming in his garden. His special spot still really makes me sad and I hate that I have to listen to my daughter tell her friends that cemeteries aren't scary because that is where Logan is....

Well that is all the time I have for now...i need to start printing out halloween pictures for my crew so I can attempt to watch a few snaps of my Wolverines today.