Believe it or not, I am very happy to be back from Orlando and back to the craziness of my life. I never really realized how much of a great distraction my kids are because they keep me going even if I don't want to. There always is something to do and that really helps me get through the hard times.
John and I had a great time and played 2 great rounds of golf on 2 beautiful courses. I absolutely love golfing in Florida. It is so different than Michigan and all in all just better golf. Golf is the one true obsession/addiction I have and it is an expensive one at that. Luckily for us financially, I have been pregnant and taking care of infants the last 2 years so I haven't been able to get out and play.
What draws me to golf, besides it being the most difficult game I have ever played is how I completely forget about the outside world. I love being out on the course because it takes so much thought and concentration that you don't have enough time to think about anything else. So, for 4 glorious hours on Friday and 4 1/2 hours on Saturday I was relaxed and enjoying myself with my lovely husband watching all of the Sandhill Cranes with their babies (which are the goofiest looking babies I have ever seen)and the small gators swimming through some of the sand traps (result of the ridiculous amounts of rain we got earlier in the week), while actually hitting the ball better than I have in years. It really was unbelievable, and I didn't want to leave the course.
The other thing I learned on this trip, besides how much I LOVE GOLF, is that we do not know how to not do anything. We played early Saturday morning so that we could just sit by the pool and relax Sat. afternoon before going to a nice dinner, and needless to say we failed miserably. We lasted about 1h 10min. total and about 25 minutes in, John looks at me and says, "I can't just sit here". I agreed completely and decided on taking a nap instead. Also, during times like that my mind tends to wander to places I don't want it to go and I end up crying. As I have stated before I am so done with crying in public, and I just plain refuse to now. This makes my whole throat thing so much worse and the stress and tension I feel from holding back the tears doesn't help either. I guess the reality is I am pretty much still a mess, but I am trying to convince myself that I am doing better...who knows, I figure one day this whole thing will work itself out and I really don't have as much control over the situation as I once thought.
So after a much needed nap we decided on an early dinner. Dinner was the final straw for me and I realized that I was just ready to be home. We decided on Kobe Japanese Steakhouse, and we were fully aware that because we were eating early there were going to be kids big and small. It is prom time in Florida right now, so there were a couple of tables of teenagers all dressed up in beautiful dresses and as we walk pass that table we get seated with two couples with small children, never fails. All in all I have been very good around kids and babies. I have a few friends at Landon's preschool that had babies in the fall and I figured it was good for me to be around them. Besides, I am always chasing after my boys, so I don't really have the time to make it into anything more than what it is.
Well, for some reason this time it turned out a little different. They sat us on the end away from all of the kids, but since they were 2, 2 year old girls, and a 5 year old girl it really didn't bother me. If anything it confirmed the reason why we haven't brought the boys to a restaurant like that. One of the girls was all over the place, trying to stab her daddy with her chopsticks because she didn't want to eat anymore and wanted to go look at the fish swimming in the pond at the front, but the other 2 weren't bad at all and if anything just made us miss our kids. Then the shocker happened 3/4 of the way through dinner...there is another child, a baby that was sleeping on the ground in the infant seat. Of course not just any baby, but a little boy. So she gets up from the table holding this little boy and I look up and almost choked on my food. He couldn't have been more than 3-4 months old, same age my Logan would be right now. As she walked by to feed him he looked right at me. It really hit me very hard and I almost had to get up because I was afraid I was going to lose it right there and have to explain to a bunch of strangers, half were from Germany and didn't speak English very well, how I lost my son right around the same day theirs was born. I really don't know how I managed to hold it together...luckily she put him back down in his seat, otherwise I would have had to sit and look at him through the rest of dinner and that I can admit would have been too much for me.
I guess I am learning my boundaries still. It is experiences like that, that kind of bring me back down to earth and humble me. I know it takes time and it has only been 3 1/2 short months...i guess I can't get past the fact that it feels like a lifetime ago that Logan passed. I also have learned how grateful I am for my kids. John and I had a great time, but at times it felt like the loss of Logan was magnified when it was just the 2 of us. That could be because the last time it was just the 2 of us together was when I had Logan, and then when we buried him. I guess I am just ready for happy times again, but at least for 4 hours on Friday and 4 hours on Saturday we did have that. I guess we are still a work in progress, and each experience is taking us someplace. I just haven't quite figured out what that is yet.
On a happy side note, I got my Logan Bear before we left. He is wonderful. The minute I picked him up it brought me back to the first and last time I held Logan, which of course caused me to have a monumental breakdown...the good with the bad. He is 7lbs 7 oz like Logan was and it is nice to know that when we get our family pictures done we have something to symbolize our angel.
John and I had a great time and played 2 great rounds of golf on 2 beautiful courses. I absolutely love golfing in Florida. It is so different than Michigan and all in all just better golf. Golf is the one true obsession/addiction I have and it is an expensive one at that. Luckily for us financially, I have been pregnant and taking care of infants the last 2 years so I haven't been able to get out and play.
What draws me to golf, besides it being the most difficult game I have ever played is how I completely forget about the outside world. I love being out on the course because it takes so much thought and concentration that you don't have enough time to think about anything else. So, for 4 glorious hours on Friday and 4 1/2 hours on Saturday I was relaxed and enjoying myself with my lovely husband watching all of the Sandhill Cranes with their babies (which are the goofiest looking babies I have ever seen)and the small gators swimming through some of the sand traps (result of the ridiculous amounts of rain we got earlier in the week), while actually hitting the ball better than I have in years. It really was unbelievable, and I didn't want to leave the course.
The other thing I learned on this trip, besides how much I LOVE GOLF, is that we do not know how to not do anything. We played early Saturday morning so that we could just sit by the pool and relax Sat. afternoon before going to a nice dinner, and needless to say we failed miserably. We lasted about 1h 10min. total and about 25 minutes in, John looks at me and says, "I can't just sit here". I agreed completely and decided on taking a nap instead. Also, during times like that my mind tends to wander to places I don't want it to go and I end up crying. As I have stated before I am so done with crying in public, and I just plain refuse to now. This makes my whole throat thing so much worse and the stress and tension I feel from holding back the tears doesn't help either. I guess the reality is I am pretty much still a mess, but I am trying to convince myself that I am doing better...who knows, I figure one day this whole thing will work itself out and I really don't have as much control over the situation as I once thought.
So after a much needed nap we decided on an early dinner. Dinner was the final straw for me and I realized that I was just ready to be home. We decided on Kobe Japanese Steakhouse, and we were fully aware that because we were eating early there were going to be kids big and small. It is prom time in Florida right now, so there were a couple of tables of teenagers all dressed up in beautiful dresses and as we walk pass that table we get seated with two couples with small children, never fails. All in all I have been very good around kids and babies. I have a few friends at Landon's preschool that had babies in the fall and I figured it was good for me to be around them. Besides, I am always chasing after my boys, so I don't really have the time to make it into anything more than what it is.
Well, for some reason this time it turned out a little different. They sat us on the end away from all of the kids, but since they were 2, 2 year old girls, and a 5 year old girl it really didn't bother me. If anything it confirmed the reason why we haven't brought the boys to a restaurant like that. One of the girls was all over the place, trying to stab her daddy with her chopsticks because she didn't want to eat anymore and wanted to go look at the fish swimming in the pond at the front, but the other 2 weren't bad at all and if anything just made us miss our kids. Then the shocker happened 3/4 of the way through dinner...there is another child, a baby that was sleeping on the ground in the infant seat. Of course not just any baby, but a little boy. So she gets up from the table holding this little boy and I look up and almost choked on my food. He couldn't have been more than 3-4 months old, same age my Logan would be right now. As she walked by to feed him he looked right at me. It really hit me very hard and I almost had to get up because I was afraid I was going to lose it right there and have to explain to a bunch of strangers, half were from Germany and didn't speak English very well, how I lost my son right around the same day theirs was born. I really don't know how I managed to hold it together...luckily she put him back down in his seat, otherwise I would have had to sit and look at him through the rest of dinner and that I can admit would have been too much for me.
I guess I am learning my boundaries still. It is experiences like that, that kind of bring me back down to earth and humble me. I know it takes time and it has only been 3 1/2 short months...i guess I can't get past the fact that it feels like a lifetime ago that Logan passed. I also have learned how grateful I am for my kids. John and I had a great time, but at times it felt like the loss of Logan was magnified when it was just the 2 of us. That could be because the last time it was just the 2 of us together was when I had Logan, and then when we buried him. I guess I am just ready for happy times again, but at least for 4 hours on Friday and 4 hours on Saturday we did have that. I guess we are still a work in progress, and each experience is taking us someplace. I just haven't quite figured out what that is yet.
1 comments:
Your Logan bear is such a neat idea! How comforting (in a way) to have something that weighed the same as he did.... and to have like you said, something to have in family pictures!
My boundaries change from day to day, so it's really hard to tell what's going to set me off. My one biggest hurdle (my friend who was due 3 wks after me) some days I can't bear to think about her, let alone see her. And other days, I can be almost okay with the whole situation... it's weird!
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