Well, since Logan passed away (coming on 4 painful months now), which I still have trouble wrapping my mind around, we have been busy busy busy. My husband pretty much did all he could do inside the house within the first month of Logan's death, and for the last 2 months we have made major progress on the outside.
We started off with getting the outside painted, followed by ripping out bushes, adding a fence, brand new sod (that I proudly spent 6 hours with my husband laying down, and we did so good that a few people actually asked us for our card, obviously not knowing we lived there), pavers around the pool, a new paver patio outside the lanai, and pavers around all of our landscaping. We still have to plant the bushes on the outside of the fence, but all in all we have made tremendous progress and like everyone keeps telling me...a fresh start.
I also can cross another thing off my list of things I wanted to do for Logan...plant his flower garden. When you first lose your child your mind is going crazy thinking of all the things you can do to keep his memory alive and in many cases I read about people planting trees. I thought that was a great idea, but realistically with my husband's job there is no guarantee that I will be living the rest of my life here and I couldn't handle moving and leaving his memorial tree. Instead I came up with the idea of creating a garden. My hope is that I will be able to bring flowers from his garden to his gravesite and hopefully attract some butterflies on a regular basis.
When I decided on this garden my mother bought me a really cool memorial stone, which you will be able to see on the pictures below. I figure if we do have to move again, the stone and awesome fountain I found (thanks to the Meyer's sending me a gift card, which is incredibly amazing since they are currently dealing with a very sick 5 year old who is kicking Leukemia's butt as we speak), can go with us. The only problem is I find myself constantly wondering now what? I really am starting to feel stuck, but at the same time it may just be guilt because like everyone told me it will get easier and I don't know if I am ready for that as silly as it sounds.
Life is really getting back to normal, because I am allowing it to, and since I have been working my ass off in the gym I don't see many signs left that I was pregnant with Logan and that scares me. Not that I wanted to hold onto the baby weight by any means, but that was the last reminder my body held of his brief existence. I am back to my regular spin classes twice a week, on top of all my running, which has been a little harder than I expected. Sometimes the music becomes too "inspirational" and that lets my mind start to wander, which is still a very dangerous thing. The good thing is I am able to work off that emotion within 2 minutes because my spin instructors rock, and push us to the point of exhaustion, but I still hate having that lingering feeling of instant sadness.
With summer closing in fast, I know I desperately need to find something to throw myself into besides the kids, because in 3 months that will be 100% of my time...ahhhhh!!!! They are still doing a great job of keeping me busy and I do love every second, well maybe not every second, but definitely the majority of the time. I guess I am justimpatiently patiently waiting to become pregnant again so I can turn some of my focus on to hopefully successfully adding to our family this time. So, if anyone has any suggestions please pass them on...I am taking any recommendations these days ;)
The finished product :) I even went as far as to order 2 containers of painted lady butterfly caterpillars, which we got today. I figure might as well grow our own butterflies and hopefully they will stick around when we release them in 3-4 weeks. The kids will get a kick out of it and maybe even learn a little science along the way.
We started off with getting the outside painted, followed by ripping out bushes, adding a fence, brand new sod (that I proudly spent 6 hours with my husband laying down, and we did so good that a few people actually asked us for our card, obviously not knowing we lived there), pavers around the pool, a new paver patio outside the lanai, and pavers around all of our landscaping. We still have to plant the bushes on the outside of the fence, but all in all we have made tremendous progress and like everyone keeps telling me...a fresh start.
I also can cross another thing off my list of things I wanted to do for Logan...plant his flower garden. When you first lose your child your mind is going crazy thinking of all the things you can do to keep his memory alive and in many cases I read about people planting trees. I thought that was a great idea, but realistically with my husband's job there is no guarantee that I will be living the rest of my life here and I couldn't handle moving and leaving his memorial tree. Instead I came up with the idea of creating a garden. My hope is that I will be able to bring flowers from his garden to his gravesite and hopefully attract some butterflies on a regular basis.
When I decided on this garden my mother bought me a really cool memorial stone, which you will be able to see on the pictures below. I figure if we do have to move again, the stone and awesome fountain I found (thanks to the Meyer's sending me a gift card, which is incredibly amazing since they are currently dealing with a very sick 5 year old who is kicking Leukemia's butt as we speak), can go with us. The only problem is I find myself constantly wondering now what? I really am starting to feel stuck, but at the same time it may just be guilt because like everyone told me it will get easier and I don't know if I am ready for that as silly as it sounds.
Life is really getting back to normal, because I am allowing it to, and since I have been working my ass off in the gym I don't see many signs left that I was pregnant with Logan and that scares me. Not that I wanted to hold onto the baby weight by any means, but that was the last reminder my body held of his brief existence. I am back to my regular spin classes twice a week, on top of all my running, which has been a little harder than I expected. Sometimes the music becomes too "inspirational" and that lets my mind start to wander, which is still a very dangerous thing. The good thing is I am able to work off that emotion within 2 minutes because my spin instructors rock, and push us to the point of exhaustion, but I still hate having that lingering feeling of instant sadness.
With summer closing in fast, I know I desperately need to find something to throw myself into besides the kids, because in 3 months that will be 100% of my time...ahhhhh!!!! They are still doing a great job of keeping me busy and I do love every second, well maybe not every second, but definitely the majority of the time. I guess I am just
The finished product :) I even went as far as to order 2 containers of painted lady butterfly caterpillars, which we got today. I figure might as well grow our own butterflies and hopefully they will stick around when we release them in 3-4 weeks. The kids will get a kick out of it and maybe even learn a little science along the way.
3 comments:
I don't have any suggestions or tips as I too am still impatiently ttc after my loss in January. I'm hoping for success from pre-seed + OPKS + well timed sex... Fingers crossed!
It sounds like you're keeping yourself very busy- I've been doing the same kinda thing (home renos and painting). It's good to put your energy toward something productive, I think. :)
Logan's garden is beautiful! I love the statue, and the stone! I hope you find your rainbow!
Logan's garden is AMAZING. I love the way that you have created such a beautiful memorial to him in your yard. I just found your blog, and I think that you are very strong to be sharing your thoughts and feelings. Did you make Logan's stepping stone yourself? I have a friend for whom that would be a wonderful gift, she has twins in heaven. I am not sure if you have had infertility in your past as well, as I have not read that far, but I am a wealth of information there.... after two years of TTC #1. I have PCOS and IR so once I was diagnosed, and medicated properly, it was better. If you ever have a question you are welcome to ask :)
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