20 months and It Still Hurts

I could not figure out for the life of me why I was in such a crappy mood on Tuesday.  I was emotional and on edge and then all of a sudden Wednesday it hit me square in the face, the dates are lining up exactly with the days 20 months ago.   Ugh, another anniversary month where the 19th will be a Sunday and my husband will be away for work. It is amazing how it is mirroring the worst week of my life, and let me tell you I am so glad this only happens every few months because it is way too much for me still.

I stood in the shower Wednesday night with tears streaming down my face and hating myself for going to that stupid hockey game 20 months ago.  It was the last time I truly remember feeling constant movement, and unfortunately it would have been diagnosed as hyperactivity, and the first sign that a cord accident was imminent. I still blame myself, and I don't know if the day will come that I won't. I failed as a mother. I didn't put my baby first and second guessed my gut, something I will never ever do again.

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Thursday was an exciting day for my older children because they finally got to meet their teacher for this coming school year. Landon is going into Kindergarten ( totally in shock this day is here), and I was so thankful that he has the teacher that Taylor had 2 years ago because she is the best, but I was totally unprepared, and didn't realize that it would throw me into a total PTSD moment. I literally took 2 steps into the classroom, and couldn't breath and could barely hold back tears. All I could do was picture myself 9 months pregnant sitting in the way too tiny chair next to Taylor...it was eerie and I didn't really know what to do.

I swallowed hard and started walking around because if Mrs. D would have given me a hug I would have lost it.  She was the unfortunate teacher that had to help my daughter and her classmates understand what had happened to Logan. Most children come back talking all about their presents and fun things they did and my daughter came back sharing that she had to bury her baby brother 2 days before Christmas. She was amazing and did so much for my daughter, but being in that classroom and remembering how pregnant I was when I was there 2 years ago was too much for me to handle.

I somehow made it through by pretty much holding my breath and pulling out that fake smile that I can proudly say has not been used in a long long long time. I was so relieved to be out of the classroom, but of course I run right into my friend and her daughters and she instantly knew something was wrong.  Just the look she gave me and I knew my wall I had built up was going to come crashing down. Before she could say anything the tears started coming, and I literally grabbed my kids and got out of the building.  I am sure people were looking at me like I am crazy, but to be honest I could care less.

 I am really hoping this is all because of how it fell with dates, and days aligning. If that isn't the case then I may need to actually go and see a therapist asap because I have to be able to walk into my son's class without having a full out emotional breakdown every time.  I guess it really bothered me because I truly thought I was doing better...guess I was wrong. If I think back to all the recent moments where I am really sad (good Lord there are a lot) I realize all I have to do is hug Layton, and he washes it all away. He really is my saving grace.

I know there is nothing beautiful or poetic about this post and no hidden meaning to get from it.  It is another example of something that I have no words for. It is all consuming, and invades areas of my life that grief like this should never touch in the way it did this week.  Some months I am able to keep it separate, but this month I got my ass kicked.  For some reason every time people were talking about my  4 children (which has been non stop with school beginning) I just wanted to say you mean 5...I do have another son, and Taylor has 4 brothers, and he should be almost 2 throwing a hell of a tantrum right now because he doesn't want to be here but he can't and I hate it.  (pretty good tantrum on my part if I do say so).

This makes me feel so much better...love this boy!!!

Well I need to sleep. Emotions are so draining and I have solo duty tomorrow again...please Layton sleep through the night!!!




Logan,
20 long painful months and I love and miss you like it was yesterday.  I think your brothers and sister know this is your week because for some reason they have talked about you non-stop the past couple of days. It makes me feel good and sad all at the same time.  Like Landon says, "I just wanted baby Logan to come home because I love him so much". No one can say how we all feel better than your brother.
I love you my sweet boy!

Love,
Mommy