I apologize for this post ahead of time because I have been sick with strep throat and the worst cold I can remember in years. My ability to put words together with my pregnancy brain is bad enough, throw in my sickness and it is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen.
Good news is my kids are on week 3 of school and loving it. Bad news is I miss my Luke and without his distraction at home/car/store I find myself crying and missing Logan a lot more and at random times. Don't get me wrong I have missed him on a daily basis for almost 9 months now, but I find myself in tears just about every car ride because this was supposed to be mine and Logan's time, not me by myself time.
On the upside, I do think this is probably good for me because I am pretty sure I have been holding a majority of it in for 8 1/2 months. I am really hoping for the next few months I can alleviate my stress with crying or full out meltdowns, whatever it takes to help me to continue to deal with Logan's death as his 1st anniversary draws near. A second reason is come January my stress tank will be overfilled with fears of Layton's (yes pretty sure that is the "L" name we are going with :)) upcoming arrival. For the sake of the little sanity I have left, and my poor family having to deal with me during that time, I have to focus on getting him here safe and alive...words that I have never ever once mentioned in my previous pregnancies...ugh!!!
So the latest cause of my guilt is trying to figure out this whole family situation out for the outside world and particularly my kids classrooms. Like clockwork, the beginning of the year is all about families...well our family is a ? to me right now and with our community I go back and forth. At home Logan is counted in every sense of the word and in everything we do. In conversations with my kids we always include him as our 3rd son and Layton as our 4th. With the ongoing name discussions I have had with friends and fellow acquaintances I always include Logan in those conversations whether people are comfortable with it or not. When you are trying to explain why you are stuck trying to find another L name you have no choice, but to include him and I actually enjoy it and feel good to talk about him a positive and happy way. But, when the worksheets come home and my daughters gymnastic teammates are asking me how many brothers will Taylor have...i completely draw a blank.
I have had the conversations with both of my kids teachers...which absolutely breaks my heart. Letting them know what Dec. 19th is and that my daughter ALWAYS, which is why I love her so much, includes Logan to everyone when talking about all of her brothers...with 6 year olds it is all or nothing. I wish I was able to do that and not think beyond the present moment.
We decided to include Logan in the number of people in our family and brothers in the house on my 4 year olds worksheet, but then I had to explain it to him why...which i hate!!!! He knows Logan is his brother in heaven, but not physically seeing him and touching him has made that connection hard for my boys to understand. He was in my belly kicking them from the outside and then he was dead from his cord not giving him oxygen and then he is an angel in heaven. 2 and 4 year olds really aren't able to put 2 and 2 together unfortunately and that is the timeline that my 4 year old Landon uses to describe Logan's short life in utero.
Last night when I picked my daughter up from practice one of the little girls asked me what I was having and then wanted to know how many brothers will Tay have. I had to make a quick call and said 3 and Taylor corrected me with 4, but I wasn't going to explain to a 8 year old that Taylor's youngest brother died last December. I could see Tay wasn't very happy with me that I had not included Logan, but i really don't know how to answer these questions to kids I barely know. When Luke and Landon are seen and known by all these girls throwing Logan into the mix just complicates things and I HATE that I feel that way because he is not a complication. I figure the time will come when it will not be an issue or when Taylor shares with them what happened...which she will come December if not sooner.
I guess the fact that I am relying on a 6 year old to say the things i can't shows how weak I still am and how far I have to go. I really struggle with "accidentally" educating other people's children on death and the fact that babies do die. Which is exactly what happens. I don't think it is my place (besides I live in an area with a melting pot of religions) and since I have just met many of them and will be spending lots of time with them in the months and possibly years to come I don't want to overstep my bounds. I am sure it will get around to them and hopefully become what it is.
These are minor struggles, but still frustrating ones I am still dealing with. I am scared of how things are going to be when Layton arrives. I have heard from fellow BLM's who have had their rainbow's and they said it was a little harder than they thought it would be. They were very grateful, and had a new sense of hope, but I still struggle with this gaping hole in my heart and when I purposefully not include him in conversation whether it be with an 8 year old or a stranger I have just met I feel like I make it wider. I just keep trying to do my best and hope one day it will truly get a little easier.
If anyone has an answer to this predicament, please share...as you can see I am struggling. I am starting to think therapy might actually be useful in my immediate future.
Good news is my kids are on week 3 of school and loving it. Bad news is I miss my Luke and without his distraction at home/car/store I find myself crying and missing Logan a lot more and at random times. Don't get me wrong I have missed him on a daily basis for almost 9 months now, but I find myself in tears just about every car ride because this was supposed to be mine and Logan's time, not me by myself time.
On the upside, I do think this is probably good for me because I am pretty sure I have been holding a majority of it in for 8 1/2 months. I am really hoping for the next few months I can alleviate my stress with crying or full out meltdowns, whatever it takes to help me to continue to deal with Logan's death as his 1st anniversary draws near. A second reason is come January my stress tank will be overfilled with fears of Layton's (yes pretty sure that is the "L" name we are going with :)) upcoming arrival. For the sake of the little sanity I have left, and my poor family having to deal with me during that time, I have to focus on getting him here safe and alive...words that I have never ever once mentioned in my previous pregnancies...ugh!!!
So the latest cause of my guilt is trying to figure out this whole family situation out for the outside world and particularly my kids classrooms. Like clockwork, the beginning of the year is all about families...well our family is a ? to me right now and with our community I go back and forth. At home Logan is counted in every sense of the word and in everything we do. In conversations with my kids we always include him as our 3rd son and Layton as our 4th. With the ongoing name discussions I have had with friends and fellow acquaintances I always include Logan in those conversations whether people are comfortable with it or not. When you are trying to explain why you are stuck trying to find another L name you have no choice, but to include him and I actually enjoy it and feel good to talk about him a positive and happy way. But, when the worksheets come home and my daughters gymnastic teammates are asking me how many brothers will Taylor have...i completely draw a blank.
I have had the conversations with both of my kids teachers...which absolutely breaks my heart. Letting them know what Dec. 19th is and that my daughter ALWAYS, which is why I love her so much, includes Logan to everyone when talking about all of her brothers...with 6 year olds it is all or nothing. I wish I was able to do that and not think beyond the present moment.
We decided to include Logan in the number of people in our family and brothers in the house on my 4 year olds worksheet, but then I had to explain it to him why...which i hate!!!! He knows Logan is his brother in heaven, but not physically seeing him and touching him has made that connection hard for my boys to understand. He was in my belly kicking them from the outside and then he was dead from his cord not giving him oxygen and then he is an angel in heaven. 2 and 4 year olds really aren't able to put 2 and 2 together unfortunately and that is the timeline that my 4 year old Landon uses to describe Logan's short life in utero.
Last night when I picked my daughter up from practice one of the little girls asked me what I was having and then wanted to know how many brothers will Tay have. I had to make a quick call and said 3 and Taylor corrected me with 4, but I wasn't going to explain to a 8 year old that Taylor's youngest brother died last December. I could see Tay wasn't very happy with me that I had not included Logan, but i really don't know how to answer these questions to kids I barely know. When Luke and Landon are seen and known by all these girls throwing Logan into the mix just complicates things and I HATE that I feel that way because he is not a complication. I figure the time will come when it will not be an issue or when Taylor shares with them what happened...which she will come December if not sooner.
I guess the fact that I am relying on a 6 year old to say the things i can't shows how weak I still am and how far I have to go. I really struggle with "accidentally" educating other people's children on death and the fact that babies do die. Which is exactly what happens. I don't think it is my place (besides I live in an area with a melting pot of religions) and since I have just met many of them and will be spending lots of time with them in the months and possibly years to come I don't want to overstep my bounds. I am sure it will get around to them and hopefully become what it is.
These are minor struggles, but still frustrating ones I am still dealing with. I am scared of how things are going to be when Layton arrives. I have heard from fellow BLM's who have had their rainbow's and they said it was a little harder than they thought it would be. They were very grateful, and had a new sense of hope, but I still struggle with this gaping hole in my heart and when I purposefully not include him in conversation whether it be with an 8 year old or a stranger I have just met I feel like I make it wider. I just keep trying to do my best and hope one day it will truly get a little easier.
If anyone has an answer to this predicament, please share...as you can see I am struggling. I am starting to think therapy might actually be useful in my immediate future.
3 comments:
I have no answers, but I do love that Taylor always counts her brother Logan! With kids it's so black and white where we can get lost in the gray. You have to answer whatever you feel up to in the moment. I am with you though...educating other people's kids on our realities is an awkward situation!
Sorry you have strep, I was hoping you wouldn't get it!
I love the name Layton ;) That's such a great L name!
I love that Logan counts, even if it's a hard thing to do. I want my Jack to count, so I know I'll have to come up with a way to make sure he counts at school one day (if i'm lucky enough to have a million more).
Hope you feel better soon! :)
Aww, Layton!! I love it! I was going to suggest Liam before I knew you had one in mind.
Logan will always count whether you mention him in situations like the ones you mentioned or not. He's a part of you and your family and that will never change. You're not denying him by not mentioning him :)
Feel better soon!
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