You know that thing that you never really notice until someone points it out and then it consumes you and you notice it at every turn...well that what describes my world these days. It is amazing that except for my cousin who is named Logan and I have only seen him about a half dozen times in my life, I really haven't seen or heard it that much. Now, I know it is popular and out there, but I have never really paid attention to it until I lost my sweet boy.
So fast forward to this summer...my son's swim coach is constantly calling him Logan. Luke told me after the first couple of lessons so I mentioned it to him and the poor kid still only gets it right about 50% of the time. Luckily Luke is 2 and really could care less.
After the first week of school Landon's teacher tells me that she is constantly calling him Logan, but he is a good sport these days and when she slips up he answers to both. My poor boys are definitely going to need therapy in few years.
But, today it really hit me hard. Luke's best buddy in preschool is named...bet you can guess....Logan!!! He talks about Logan all the time and he is a little blondie like I know Logan would have been since he is a spitting image of my Landon (pictures of Landon below at 9 months).
Well, when I picked up Luke today he wanted to say goodbye to Logan and gave him the biggest hug. Just hearing him say his name and hug him immediately pulled at my heartstrings and I barely made it to the front door before I lost it. I want my kids to know our Logan, not everyone else's. As blessed as I feel to be carrying Logan's little brother it is so hard to be planning for another little boy that is not the one I met almost 9 months ago.
I think the reality/finality of the fact that he has officially been gone as of yesterday longer than I carried him has been a little bit harder than i expected. As I sat by Logan's special place at the cemetery on Tuesday and watched the butterflies and listened to the birds I didn't get the solace I normally do when I visit him. I just felt horribly sad and hated that this will be my life. I miss him so much and just hate the empty feeling I constantly feel. Guess I am just jealous that so many mommies out there get to have their Logan and mine is a memory that still causes more tears than smiles. Like I said before...it has to get better, right???
So fast forward to this summer...my son's swim coach is constantly calling him Logan. Luke told me after the first couple of lessons so I mentioned it to him and the poor kid still only gets it right about 50% of the time. Luckily Luke is 2 and really could care less.
After the first week of school Landon's teacher tells me that she is constantly calling him Logan, but he is a good sport these days and when she slips up he answers to both. My poor boys are definitely going to need therapy in few years.
But, today it really hit me hard. Luke's best buddy in preschool is named...bet you can guess....Logan!!! He talks about Logan all the time and he is a little blondie like I know Logan would have been since he is a spitting image of my Landon (pictures of Landon below at 9 months).
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| Landon, 9 months old with Daddy |
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| All of my kids were early walkers and I am assuming Logan would be almost walking by now as well |
Well, when I picked up Luke today he wanted to say goodbye to Logan and gave him the biggest hug. Just hearing him say his name and hug him immediately pulled at my heartstrings and I barely made it to the front door before I lost it. I want my kids to know our Logan, not everyone else's. As blessed as I feel to be carrying Logan's little brother it is so hard to be planning for another little boy that is not the one I met almost 9 months ago.
I think the reality/finality of the fact that he has officially been gone as of yesterday longer than I carried him has been a little bit harder than i expected. As I sat by Logan's special place at the cemetery on Tuesday and watched the butterflies and listened to the birds I didn't get the solace I normally do when I visit him. I just felt horribly sad and hated that this will be my life. I miss him so much and just hate the empty feeling I constantly feel. Guess I am just jealous that so many mommies out there get to have their Logan and mine is a memory that still causes more tears than smiles. Like I said before...it has to get better, right???
3 comments:
I totally understand what you are saying- I hate it when I hear other Mom's calling their daughter's "Ellie." We picked her name so carefully and loved it so much, not being able to use it was just something else that was taken away from us.
I know we picked popular names for our babies, but you are right it is still so hard to hear another child with that name we chose.
Landon was such a cutie at 9 months...I have to say it kind of takes my breath away to see what a 9 month old would look like...I wish we had our 9 month olds!
Totally get it! I never met more Jeremiah's in my life until my Jeremiah was gone....
Hugs!
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