Yesterday started off really bad. My poor husband took the day off to spend with the kids since it is their last day of summer before school starts on Monday and I was a mess to start off the day. I could see by the look on his face he was wondering why the hell he didn't go to work.
Everyone has told me/ warned me that women and men grieve differently and for the first time it really stood out to me yesterday. There is no correct way to grieve and for my husband particularly he chooses to put it to the side and not deal with it...which of course I do not think it is healthy, but who am I to know what is best for him. I have known for 11 years this is how he deals with things that affect him personally and i have no idea why it really bothered me yesterday.
I guess I am going to chalk it up to 3 nights of not sleeping due to my pregnancy insomnia, kids waking up, and 2 straight nights of thinking of nothing but Logan and I was in tip top shape come the 19th for a complete emotional eruption. I also came to a conclusion that I am going to ask the dreaded question on Tuesday at my Dr. appt of based on Logan's appearance when does my doctor think he passed. My feeling is sometime on the 17th. That is when I first thought things could be wrong and also considering in the last 6 months I have not slept the nights of the 17th and 18th of any month and I can feel the tension in my face and tightness in my throat return on those specific days. I think my subconscious/heart/body knows this was the actual day of his passing. I am hoping for some verification from my doctor, but I really don't know what knowing is going to help. I still feel so guilty I waited to go in and that definitely won't clear my conscious if he indeed had his accident on that Friday. If anything it will answer a nagging question that I have been wanting to ask, but haven't had enough guts, for 8 long months.
Back to my day...So after a short emotional breakdown and my kids refusing to go anywhere without me, again they save me from my own despair, we started our day.
My little saviors...don't know what I would do without them!!!!
We really did have a fun day/evening. We went out to breakfast, hit a bucket of balls at the golfing range, bought Landon his new bike, went bowling, out to lunch, and then a great night with our friends down the street. It is amazing that such a significant and tragic event can happen in your life, but life doesn't stop or even slow down. It was just another day in Lutz, Fl. Sometimes I do find it very exhausting and wish just for once i could take a break.
I also really hope at some point I will be able to look at his day(s), the17th-19th, as a time of happiness and not sadness. Right now it is really overwhelming. I found a picture of Luke and I at my parents house back in Michigan in 2009 (see below) on the computer when he was almost 8 months old and it really hit a chord with me.
This is the true happiness I am missing at this moment. The sitting up on their own, crawling, putting everything in their mouth, smiling, and laughing at everything. I know there is hope growing in me right now and I try to focus on that as a source of happiness and not just pure fear. I will find out on Monday if it is a boy or a girl (my birthday present to myself) and then I will have to officially start dealing with that one way or another. Another step along this messed up path.
I so miss that girl and especially that smile because no matter how hard I try my happiness will never totally be that genuine. Some days I feel I am closer at getting used to "different" and acknowledging it as my new normal, but then I get hit with a morning like yesterday (thankfully they are fewer and far between these days) and realize I have so far to go.
***I miss and love you so much my sweet boy***
I want to apologize if this seems very scattered...my pregnancy brain has kicked in full force this week. I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago let alone trying to write a post that I have had to stop and start again several times...
Everyone has told me/ warned me that women and men grieve differently and for the first time it really stood out to me yesterday. There is no correct way to grieve and for my husband particularly he chooses to put it to the side and not deal with it...which of course I do not think it is healthy, but who am I to know what is best for him. I have known for 11 years this is how he deals with things that affect him personally and i have no idea why it really bothered me yesterday.
I guess I am going to chalk it up to 3 nights of not sleeping due to my pregnancy insomnia, kids waking up, and 2 straight nights of thinking of nothing but Logan and I was in tip top shape come the 19th for a complete emotional eruption. I also came to a conclusion that I am going to ask the dreaded question on Tuesday at my Dr. appt of based on Logan's appearance when does my doctor think he passed. My feeling is sometime on the 17th. That is when I first thought things could be wrong and also considering in the last 6 months I have not slept the nights of the 17th and 18th of any month and I can feel the tension in my face and tightness in my throat return on those specific days. I think my subconscious/heart/body knows this was the actual day of his passing. I am hoping for some verification from my doctor, but I really don't know what knowing is going to help. I still feel so guilty I waited to go in and that definitely won't clear my conscious if he indeed had his accident on that Friday. If anything it will answer a nagging question that I have been wanting to ask, but haven't had enough guts, for 8 long months.
Back to my day...So after a short emotional breakdown and my kids refusing to go anywhere without me, again they save me from my own despair, we started our day.
 |
| Landon, 4 |
 |
| Taylor, 6 |
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| Luke, 2 1/2 who is officially potty trained now :-) |
We really did have a fun day/evening. We went out to breakfast, hit a bucket of balls at the golfing range, bought Landon his new bike, went bowling, out to lunch, and then a great night with our friends down the street. It is amazing that such a significant and tragic event can happen in your life, but life doesn't stop or even slow down. It was just another day in Lutz, Fl. Sometimes I do find it very exhausting and wish just for once i could take a break.
I also really hope at some point I will be able to look at his day(s), the17th-19th, as a time of happiness and not sadness. Right now it is really overwhelming. I found a picture of Luke and I at my parents house back in Michigan in 2009 (see below) on the computer when he was almost 8 months old and it really hit a chord with me.
This is the true happiness I am missing at this moment. The sitting up on their own, crawling, putting everything in their mouth, smiling, and laughing at everything. I know there is hope growing in me right now and I try to focus on that as a source of happiness and not just pure fear. I will find out on Monday if it is a boy or a girl (my birthday present to myself) and then I will have to officially start dealing with that one way or another. Another step along this messed up path.
I so miss that girl and especially that smile because no matter how hard I try my happiness will never totally be that genuine. Some days I feel I am closer at getting used to "different" and acknowledging it as my new normal, but then I get hit with a morning like yesterday (thankfully they are fewer and far between these days) and realize I have so far to go.
***I miss and love you so much my sweet boy***
I want to apologize if this seems very scattered...my pregnancy brain has kicked in full force this week. I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago let alone trying to write a post that I have had to stop and start again several times...
1 comments:
I'm glad the day got a little better, but man do i know the breakdown part all too well!
Your kids are adorable and I so wish Logan was here for his own picture with you! I totally get the missing the old me in pictures I see! I'm looking forward to hearing the gender results of of Logan's little sibling....this one has really kept you guessing!
I hope you get some sleep soon, it plays such a huge role in emotional yuck!
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